It's Not Time Yet

          It's been just over a year since I wrote a blog on depression and my own personal bouts with it. To be completely honest, there hasn't been a lot of change. As any usual year there has been ups and downs, but it lingers very much. Some days are worst than others, other days are absolutely fantastic. I got to go to Africa, meet a beautiful woman, went to a few White Sox games, and basically any great news from the White Sox makes me a happy man for a few hours or days (yay Samardjiza and Melky), a couple nights ago I got to go to a hockey game with my cousin which brought back memories of being a kid and a reminder of just how much I love hockey, I loved spending time with my cousin and my family during the holidays. It's hard sometimes reminding myself that I do have great days, maybe more often than I realize. While I had quite a few rough days, maybe it's best I don't write them down to remind myself of them, maybe they aren't enough for me to force myself into depression over it.

The hardest thing about depression is that you get caught into this vicious cycle. You make mistakes or something bad happens, so you feel bad, but then because you feel bad you don't do anything, so you continue to make mistakes. Vicious. One of the more misunderstood symptoms of depression is that you're just sad, which isn't true. I read a few weeks ago that people with depression aren't necessarily sad, but they feel nothing, or are persistently nagged by anxiety. I had never read a decently accurate way of how it felt until I read that. It's not that I'm sad, it's that I shut down my emotions, then anxiety kicks in a bit, though I don't get anxiety attacks or necessarily struggle with that as much, and I let the easy emotions take over. Anger is easy, anxiety is easy, being tired is easy, being lazy is easy, lust is easy, jealousy is easy. We all have our different vices.

Coming home from Africa was very hard. I had a very rough last few days there, partly for obvious reasons and partly for reasons that are personal. Being home was hard, I went from living simple and with little (though still more than most) to coming home to a country more consumed by video games, sports (guilty), and coach purses than helping the poor. But that's a conversation for another time. Nonetheless it was hard for me. I hadn't gone to church or was involved in any ways in my relationship with Christ. Life started to feel impossible to me, and I couldn't tell if it was (is?) worse this time around than it was during the summer of 2013.

I wrote a few blogs ago about how growing up I used to get scared of the thought of Heaven. My misunderstanding of Heaven as a place where we all just turn into mindless worshiping drones, not unlike the "Imhotep" chants from The Mummy. And it was ETERNAL. That's a long time! But then I learned about what Heaven will really be like, and we haven't even been able to scratch the surface of what Heaven will truly be like. Now I long for it. But maybe I long for it too eagerly at times. The pain we all go through can seem like so much, and I feel weaker than many. The last couple of years I've lost my focus. I didn't quite realize it, but in 2011 I was in a very good place. Maybe everything wasn't going exactly the way I wanted it to, but I trusted in God that He would be guiding me, no matter where it may be. Somewhere I lost focus. I lost all trust in everything and everyone around me. And I felt like I couldn't say anything about it to anyone. I still feel that way a lot. I feel let down by a lot of people and to be honest, by God also. Trust can be hard.

For a while now, I've wanted to just...go to Heaven already. Let me leave the misery here behind and be in the perfect sanctuary. Where I can hear the leaves rustling and the intricacies of music, where I can live as God truly intended for us to live, by a beautiful beach or canoeing down a river, worshipping God all the time in everything we do, maybe I'll even be able to grow a full, thick, manly beard. Just close your eyes and think of your idea of a perfect day, Heaven won't be far off from it. In fact, it will be better than anything you could imagine.  I cannot wait for that.

But alas, we all must wait for our time. But now I'm realizing that maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it's so much more than that. I long for a time that there will be no weeping, no darkness, no shame, no misery. Don't we all? I am called to a purpose here, I am called to fish for disciples. I am called to show people Christ. To help and love my neighbors. That's something I haven't done very well the last couple of years. I've been longing so much for Heaven that I lost focus on what my mission should be here. I've been so focused on being in Heaven that I've forgotten about striving to bring others to Christ so that they may also be in Heaven, so they can also feel the love of Christ. This changes now.

It's time for me to grow stronger in perseverance, in willpower, in strength, in Jesus, my beautiful savior who died to save me from death. Someday I will never weep in sorrow again, never feel pain again, never feel or fear darkness again, but until then I need to show that I will not let it beat me until my time. I will not let satan have a hold on me. I will have my bad days, but in those days I will lean on Jesus. Until my time, I will do my best to bring people to Christ and show His love, no matter how much I might fail at it. In Jesus I will persevere.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

You Hold Me Now

"On the day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
and forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

In this life I would stand
through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There's a hope that never fades

Where Your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name"

You can't change the world...but you can make a dent in it

          Lately I've been a pretty bitter person with so much evil going on in the world. Statistics says that violence has been declining for the last century but with the media it's put under much more of a spotlight. Americans throw away about 164 billion dollars, give or take a few, worth of food every where but to eradicate hunger it would take tens of billions less than that (I posted the stats on that a couple years ago but I can't remember the exact figure). In America the rich are getting richer while the middle class is slowly becoming the new poverty as almost half of all Americans have less than 10,000 in savings and the top .1% have about 90% of the wealth. Gangs are a huge problem in America as there are killings every day. Many countries have a lack of labour laws and many Americans are content with that as long as they don't have to hear about it or see it. It would take days to go down the list of all the injustices going on in the world and it really sucks. The 5 Walton kids of Walmart are worth 16 BILLION dollars EACH and yet the majority of their workers are on some sort of government aid. I can't help but wonder how much good could I do with that kind of money. I can't help but be so upset with those who make so much, and keep so much, and give just enough to look charitable. How can I do anything making less than 20k a year?
         
          Now we, as every day Americans, live a much better life than the majority than the rest of the world as far as having a roof over our heads and food to fill our stomachs, but there's still so many problems here, and so many problems in the rest of the world that I feel like many of us are ignorant, or choose to be ignorant, to. Being aware of all these things going on in the world, it's hard to know that I can't do anything to fix a lot of the problems that billions of people go through, I don't even know where to start. And I have always vowed that the more money I make, the more I will use it to try to make a difference.

          But then you hear quotes like these:
"You can't change the world, but you can make a dent in it"
"You can't help everybody, but everybody can help somebody"
"No one has ever become poor by giving" Anne Frank
"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one" Mother Theresa
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill?

          I cannot claim to be the most charitable person and it's likely I never will be, be kind of hard to beat Mother Theresa and Ghandi on that one, but I can at least do something. Back in 2010 when I started working overnight at Walmart, I started reading a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love which challenged me so much. I made the decision at the time to sponsor a child through Compassion organization and that has been an awesome journey as I've gotten to know a kid in Ethiopia name Abenezer, and I'm able to make a difference in his life. I may not be able to feed and save hundreds right now, but I'm making a difference I hope. Now there's still so much more I can do, and I'm being more and more aware of what companies to buy from, or what charities to avoid, I had signed up for Feed My Starving Children but have yet to actually go in; but from this point on I will make more efforts. I will do my best to stop supporting greed and companies that aren't true to their mission statement. Of course no one is perfect and I know I can't be, and I know no one else can be, but as they say, it's the effort that counts.

          I can be quite the cynical person by nature, I don't feel like I show love very well outwardly, but I really do care and I really want to do things to change the world. And mostly I want to see everyone do their part. I want to see the violence stop, the hatred towards one another stop,  the stupid fighting over political parties (of politicians who couldn't care less about us no less), the ignorance of what's going on because many just don't want to know about it. It really sucks to see all these people who care more about what Kim Kardashian is doing, about what sport team is winning, those who love to rip and bully those who support another political party, or believe in a different religion, anything at all that continues to drive all of us apart. None of us are perfect, but it's about time we all realize that about ourselves, and instead focus on what we can do to help others get out of their holes knowing that we are not any better than anyone else.

          Now I titled this "you can't change the world, but you can make a dent in it" because I just want to encourage everyone to find a cause, not a political cause, that they are willing to put effort towards to make a difference. I realize that I can't help all the starving children in the world, I can't sponsor every child, I can't donate millions to defeating hunger and poverty, I don't run a company to take care of employees, I can't support every single good charity all at once. But that's okay, it's perfectly okay, and I shouldn't feel guilty that I can't. All I can do is continue to sponsor Abenezer, give what money I can to help those less fortunate, go to Feed My Starving Children for a day or two or three a month, make sandwiches and give socks to homeless next time I go to Chicago like I did with some people in the past. It's the little things that matters right? If everyone can support a cause, any cause at all, we can all collectively make a difference. Not everyone needs to support the same charities I do, that way all the other charities are forgotten about. I encourage everyone to find something they feel strongly about and do what you can about it. There's so many little things all of us can do.

Not everyone can be Bruce Wayne, but we can all be someone. Maybe someday I can learn to not be so cynical and bitter about the greed and heartlessness in the world. But I can't imagine having that attitude is influencing anyone to want to help others. It's something I need to work on. I've been holding a lot of these feelings in for a while now and I just wanted to get it out. I know there's so many friends I have already who are so generous and loving and make huge differences in many lives, but I know we all can do even more. I hope someday I can make an even bigger difference. Let's make this world a better place together.

"Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth"

          Recently I had been discussing how my dad is a truck driver with a friend and I brought myself in the conversation of being a truck driver but I couldn't due to my hearing. My friend brought up that he thought it was for the better that I could not be a truck driver because I'm too much of a thinker, and therein lies one of my downfalls. Now I'm far from the smartest person, but I spend too much time thinking and worrying and pondering, but not enough time just accepting things. In other words, I over think everything and it affects me too much from time to time.

For a long time I wouldn't call myself a Christian because I could not comprehend how a God who cares, could let there be so much suffering. But in reality I was just unhappy with how my own life had been going and didn't want to believe in a God who didn't “bless” me. In time I learned to look at things from a perspective not my own, putting the foot in another shoe so to speak. After spending a long time with research and trying to “discover the truth”, I came to the conclusion that there is a God, but that was the easy part. The hard part was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Jesus loves me, having a relationship with a God who isn't here physically in front of me that I could text or call anytime, relying on feelings all the time, the fire that one feels from time to time. The easy part is believing in God, the hard part is denying yourself and picking up the cross daily as Jesus says in Luke 9:23

It's hard to write this post as I want to get several points across without writing 3 or 4 more posts on something that all relates to each other in a way. I think the overall point I want to make is how hard it can be to have a relationship, but also how simple it really is at the same time, bringing up my own thoughts on the struggles I've faced with that. But also, I wanted to talk about how important it is to have that relationship and why we strive, and should always strive, to have that relationship in the first place, why it's so completely worth fighting and dying for.

A mindset I've noticed that has become more popular, which is a contrast from the mindset of many, many generations before us, is that we are entitled to everything, that we all deserve to have the best reward. A new generation of feeling like a man and wife who makes good money and raises a family in a good neighborhood is better than a person who sacrifices their life to help poor people and give everything they've got. This is a popular thought even among Christians. We may not say it out loud but that's what I see, go to a 4 year school, get a job, and you deserve the best. But isn't life more than that? Isn't life more than works and just doing what's expected of you while expecting everything handed to you in return? It isn't all about waking up, go to work, provide for your family, sleep, repeat. A popular quote that goes around is, and I'm probably paraphrasing as there's many versions, “are you alive or just breathing?”.

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to that mindset, that I expect fair return for my hard work, my opinion is right and if you don't think so then you're wrong, and that I'm the one that's alive and the world should revolve around me, even if I don't say it out loud. I think a lot of people are to be honest, even if it sounds wrong of me to say. The point I'm trying to make here, is I've heard many arguments against God that we deserve to go to Heaven, whether we're sinners or not. It's a very hard truth to accept that those who do not believe that Jesus died for our sins and rose again to save us so that we may know God are not going to be permitted in Heaven. There was a time when that made more sense and people were so happy to know that we had a savior who died for us, and now many think it's wrong that we need a savior, as if we were already good enough to die for, and that good works should be enough to buy our ticket to Heaven. But who of us would offer shelter to someone who ridicules us at the same time? Some might act like a saint and say they would but I think they'd be lying, ironically however, Jesus calls us to love our enemies and pray for them.

It seems like there's been a sense of feeling that Christians are mindless sheep and Jesus isn't worth having a relationship with. To be sure, I struggle with giving myself to Christ completely and picking up my own cross daily, but being a mindless sheep is the last thing Jesus calls for us. He embraces our uniqueness and gave us all different sets of skills that we may contribute to the world, as Psalm 139:13-14 says, “you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. He blesses those with the ability to make wonderful music, those with skills of art, those who have the heart of a servant to help the poor and weary. Those don't sound like sheep to me, it sounds to me like He intended a world where everyone, with their own identity as indicated in Isaiah 64:8, and unique set of skills can come together and live life to its true fullest as well as worship God in everything. Somewhere along the lines, being a Christian went from being an amazing blessing to being a sense burden and punishment.

When I was little, I had quite a phobia of death, I was literally scared every single night for a long time that I would sleep and not wake up. What scared me wasn't hell, it wasn't that there might be nothing after life, but rather I was scared of Heaven. One time at a youth group when I was in middle school, one of the leaders said something that really made my already existing fear of Heaven even worse. He said he believed that when we go to Heaven, we would “be so amazed by God that we would do nothing but fall on our knees in awe”, literally saying we would do nothing for all eternity but stare at God. That's scary to think about, no? For all eternity...eternity is a long, long, long, long, time. Then I felt guilty for a long time because what if that's how Heaven will be? Of course I should feel lucky to look upon God and nothing else for all eternity. Don't get me wrong, I will be in awe when I see God, but I don't think that's the idea God had in mind for us, especially since the bible tells us differently.

I read a book shortly after becoming a Christian promptly called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. I thank God for this guy cause I don't think I could have been more excited for Heaven otherwise. While the way he describes Heaven in his view is completely refreshing, it's hard to remember that he got everything from the bible itself, maybe I should have just read my bible more. If we think about Heaven and the new earth in it's truest form, the Garden of Eden, I think we can see how God intends it to be. Jesus describes in John 14:2-3 that “in my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am”, and in Matthew that if we follow Him, we will have treasure in Heaven. When I think of Heaven, I imagine the streets of gold in the new city as described in Revelations, with a home I can truly call my own as given to my by God, I think about endless mountains and forests to explore and animals I can discover and interact with.

So where is God in all of that? That's the beauty of it, He is everywhere. Even here, we are called to glorify God when we eat, drink, and in everything we do, as mentioned in 1 Corinthians 10:31, in Heaven we will truly glorify God in everything we do, whether it is eating, drinking, hiking, cliff diving, being with other people, singing with other people, swimming, basically everything we already experience here on earth will be perfect and the way it was intended. I think when Jesus talks about Heaven and the treasures waiting for us, He's not talking about gold and silver but rather everything I mentioned above. When I think of the treasures I want, I don't think about money, but I think about the freedom to go on adventures and see sights, but I think another treasure is a perfect relationship with Jesus. Because honestly, I don't think I have a good relationship with Him. I don't pray nearly as much as I should, actually closer to rarely praying. I want a relationship so bad, but as I talked about earlier, it's hard for me to have a relationship with Jesus when I can't physically talk or see Him now. It's hard to believe the unseen and to have faith that I'm saved by grace, like I said, it's easy to believe in God, but for some it's hard to have a relationship. Logically and scientifically, I think everything points to an intelligent designer, the beauty and intricacy of this universe is so amazing and I see God's fingerprints all over it.

But it sounds way too good to be true right? At least, that's how I feel all the time, but it's really as simple as that. Every year I have been able to grow in some ways, and I know that as long as I pray (which I'm working at getting better at) and work at my relationship with Jesus, as I would if I were married or with my friends, His grace will cover me. I want many treasures in Heaven such as those I mentioned above, but the treasure that I'm seeking the most is a perfect relationship with Him. To be able to walk with Jesus, physically and spiritually, in the garden.

Killing myself to stay alive

It's pretty obvious I'm a Christian, and I have been for about 5 years not counting all the years of going to church since birth and calling myself an agnostic back in high school. 5 years since I opened the door and truly accepted Christ as my savior. 5 years that I still haven't gotten the answers to all my questions. 5 years I've still struggled with depression and hit rock bottom this past summer. 5 years I've continued to ignore all the bullying I've gone through in my life. 5 years I'm ready to finally speak up about it all.
           
I've wanted to write about this for some time now but haven't been able to find a way to write what I wanted to express. Then I read this blog, and a few days after that I saw a video that convinced me, I can't stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to act like I've had the worst life of anyone or that  no one knows what I've been through. Rather I want to raise awareness that many people are going through this and that this isn't a stigma or something that makes someone a bad person. Recently I've heard from people, who don't know me very well and haven't taken the time to get to know me, saying that I'm not a particularly great influence and honestly it hurts, but at the same time I understand that they don't know me at all. How can they when I'm hiding behind a wall?

For a long time I was okay, not necessarily depressed, but maybe not the happiest guy on earth. When I was in school for EMT and the career of firefighting at my fingertips I was happy and felt stable in my life for once. However all that came crumbling down last summer; in May my parents told me they were getting divorced and that they would be selling the house which left me with no idea where I would go, and a couple of weeks later I found out I couldn't be a firefighter because my hearing didn't meet the minimum requirements. It killed me and I started sinking back into the quicksand and shutting a lot of people out. I started drinking more often and had a few bad nights, but it wasn't overly excessive. I felt more lost than I had up to that point in my life, I had worked for two long years towards this career I couldn't even do.

Over the winter my sister and her family came home from Zimbabwe for the first time in about two years for three months and it was much like a temporary break from the world when I was able to spend time with my nephews and I've typically have been in higher spirits during the holidays. At this point my parents had decided to get back together and my mom, who had moved to Arizona near her sister in July, would be moving back in February which also meant they wouldn't be selling the house. I figured out what I would go to school for and things started looking up a little bit again. I actually had a good spring and I just felt better, I had a good social life and there were people in my life that I was happy about, softball was starting, and everyone who knows me knows just how much I love warm weather.

Then I was back in a rut by mid-June and it was the start of a long and dark period for me that I'm still recovering from. Maybe it was the way the chemicals rearranged themselves in my brain, maybe working at Walmart was taking its toll, I'm not sure exactly what set it off. I was hurt by some people I thought I was close to and I just felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was 5 years removed from high school with seemingly nothing to show for it. It really doesn't seem that bad when I look back on it but for some reason I hit what felt like rock bottom. Maybe it was myself getting tired of all the stress since last summer and nothing worthwhile, such as school (yes school is a healthy distraction for me, I'm not sure why) or an enjoyable job, to distract me from everything. It seems like there was no logical reason for this, but I was tired.

Physically I felt fine, I smoked, and still do more than I should unfortunately, but otherwise I was playing softball and in shape. But mentally I was done, I couldn't even take it anymore, every day the reoccurring thought in my head was "fuck this". Every day seemed to be more of a burden, the best comparison is that I felt like Frodo in Lord of the Rings except I had no awesome super secret mission to save the world cause I'm just a regular guy. Every day that passed my thoughts grew darker and bleak, thoughts I never wanted to think started to slowly take over. My response? I stopped hanging out with everyone and anyone and I started drinking. A lot. I doubt there was a single night in July I didn't have a drink, some nights I had more than others but every night I was either drunk or close to it. I'm far from an alcoholic and I don't the same problem though once in a while I'll have a few extra drinks but nowhere near as bad as the summer, but it wasn't the case at the time. I drank because it cleared my head and I was basically numb. I didn't want to think anymore, I just wanted to get through each day with as little pain and grief as possible.

I was ready to give up on everything. It's hard not knowing, like many young adults, what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I felt, and still sometimes do, like I was weak because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Men grow up with the mentality that we're supposed to be like John Wayne and feelings are for pussies. So many of us feel like we have to suppress our feelings, and I just didn't have the energy to do that anymore. This is why you always hear from suicide victim's family and friends that the victim "seemed just fine" and " haven't seemed any different, they were laughing yesterday". I consider myself a decently tough guy that has a heart that's grown harder over the years, but the pressure created too many cracks for me.

Before it seems like I'm being random, this is actually, in my mind, directly related to everything I've written about so far. But growing up I was bullied a lot, mostly in church in what seems like an ironic twist. I'm not completely sure why I was bullied, maybe it was because I was scrawny and/or because of my hearing problems. So being left out because I was "different" only made me more different (anyone remember my goth phase? I wish I didn't hah) and thus even more left out. It almost seems like a lose-lose situation. Being left out, especially since I grew up in church and it was a big part of my life whether I wanted it or not, really made it hard for me. So not only was I different at church, I was different at school and I think that made people too nervous to talk to me or for whatever reason (maybe it was all the black I wore and the metal I listened to). Of course I could, and I wish I did, have responded better and stayed active in sports and involved in school, instead of growing so anti-social. But unfortunately that wasn't how I went about things at the time.

So back to the past few months, the rise of Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito and the rising awareness, or is it a feel good awareness as shown in the video above, of bullying and the effects that is can have on people. In my opinion Martin didn't handle his bullying in the best way, but everyone responds differently, it took me 13 years before I finally stood up for myself for the first time. But the issue remains, bullying has a lasting effect, and it leads to a feeling of being inferior and worthlessness. Every time I do something wrong, no matter how big or small it may be, I feel like absolute crap afterwards and it kills me, and that feeling stems directly from my being bullied. I got to the point, and I still do at times, where sometimes even something small may make me down for an hour or a few days. For a long time I ignored why I felt this way at times, where my true feelings of depression stems from. It's not as simple as bullying and there have been issues in my past which has led to my struggles with depression.

I recently talked to someone, who was bullied much like I was, about being bullied and how it's taken its toll on me in life. I mentioned that I wish they could have acknowledged it and admitted they were wrong, because it's not just kids being kids. There's a difference between a fight and being bullied. However this is the message he sent me about his feelings.
          "People don't know the hurt they cause sometimes but when they do a lot of them know they're shitheads and try to write it off like "oh kids will be kids". But no, fuck no, you fucking damage people ya know? Like, we all gotta grow thick skin right? But it takes time to do that, the scar tissue never goes away man. I know as well as I believe....like, you fucking made me, now you get to deal with me. Go ahead, talk about me, tell people how I'm fucked up, but when others ask why? You can simply reply, they made me me this way and I'm glad they don't like it"

And to be honest, this is how I feel, this is how I've felt for a long long time and my friend put it in the words I've been trying to say. This is what bullying really does to people, this is what being left out does to kids, this is what parents writing everything off as "kids being kids" does to kids. I witnessed too many parents refuse to take responsibility when their kids acted out of line. To be honest, it does piss me off when a bully goes through life acting like they never did anything wrong growing up but can I really hold it against them? Many of the people I know who were not particularly the nicest people back in the day are actually great people now, completely kind and loving people. Some have even told me how sorry they were for treating me the way they did, and I stay close with those people, or I try to.

The last month I've heard from a couple of sources saying how some people, including a bully or two, think I'm a bad influence because I have had a history of drinking or acting out. What sucks, and hurts me, is that they don't even know me at all. Some may think they do, and it just sucks, and this is yet another reason I feel like I need to speak up about depression, whether it stems from bullying or a hard childhood, or even as simply as the chemical imbalance in the brain, doesn't make someone a bad person. It makes that person someone who needs love and understanding.  Most people, including myself, would not want a pity party and am not asking for one. Just some simple understanding that most people who struggle with depression just want to be loved and simply want friends there for them in thick and thin. Fortunately I have some amazing friends who have stuck with me even when I've been a bad friend and probably had too much for them to deal with. But I've still had a few people who know me, but don't really know me as much as I'd like them to, that think I'm a bad influence and it does hurt. But the best I feel like I can do is be more outspoken about this issue, that it doesn't make me a bad influence. My closest friends know I've never encouraged getting drunk all the time or acting out, rather that I try to discourage it for them.

Even though I was bullied almost exclusively in church, I don't blame God for it. Unless we all truly are puppets with no choice in our lives, people have exercised their decisions to bully. And I highly doubt God wants anyone to be bullied and pushed around, though I could definitely see God wanting the bullied to use their voice for good. Life is a lot about perspective, seeing things from not just my side but other sides too, and through understanding of that I believe it's easier to learn to have love and compassion for others.

Depression shouldn't be looked at as a stigma, and someone who struggles with it shouldn't be looked at as this crazy person who belongs in the psych ward. Some of the most amazing people I've gotten to know have gone through some serious depression, some having attempted suicide or others who have taken some hardcore drugs, and I find those are the people who tend to have the deepest thoughts and wider perspective on the world. I've dealt with depression for several reasons, but some are more preventable than others, such as bullying.  For others it may have more of an effect than it did for me, and for others it may have had no effect. Either way, it's like the guy said at the end of the video I mentioned, bullying stops with us, and I wholeheartedly believe the same about depression. It's all about love and listening to others. Being there for others. Stepping up, no matter what it means.

Honestly, nothing in the last few months has happened that turned me around. I basically just forced myself out of my house on nights that wasn't just for softball. Being around friends, whether they were close or not, helped and I felt some strength to go on. But what gave me the most strength was my decision to go a new church in late September, since I hadn't gone to a church in general since February, and I felt connected there. Though I haven't been in about a month now, sorry Dan! As always when I write a blog, I feel like my voice isn't worth hearing but I want to take that chance to be more vocal. I've decided to spend more time volunteering and someday I'd like to work with teenagers who have had a tough life, regardless of the reason. Every now and then I'll have a rough patch where I feel the burden rising up but I keep my hope in God, because if it wasn't for my faith in God I honestly believe I wouldn't be here today. I plan on doing some serious meditating when I go to see my sister in Africa. This isn't about talking about myself, I hate doing that, but about wanting to make people realize how prevalent depression really is. I know many people who have or are struggling with depression that some people never would have guessed. For a long time I did a damn good job at hiding it until it got to a point where it wore me down. So if you know someone who could be depressed, the best thing to do is be a friend to that person. If you see someone being bullied, the best thing to do is to stand up for that person (bullies don't like being in confrontations, I can't affirm to that). The most important, and cheesy sounding thing, is to love others, be slow to judge and quick to listen. I'm not much of a philosopher or speaker but this is my 2 cents on the matter. I hope I'm not alone in this and if anyone ever wanted to talk with me about anything, I'd love to share or listen.

Times Are Harder, Faith Is Stronger

          "Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Habakkuk 3:17-18

          I read this verse the other day, it really hit me to say the least. I wondered why I hadn't heard it earlier in my life with its challenging statement. I really envy this guy, I really do envy a person like him or Job who, despite all the hard times and challenges of life, can rejoice in the Lord and praise God. I've struggled with depression in my life and usually I've been able to stay stable and faithful in hard times, but there have been low points in my life where I just wanted to give up. Points in life where I forget that God is right there by my side. This challenged me to remember from now on, if and when I hit a snag in life, to just be joyful in God my Savior. After all, "if God is for us, who can be against us"? 

         

          I'm taking up this verse as a challenge to myself and yet another "life verse" to live by. When I feel like things are getting rough, just rejoice in the Lord. I think I can relate this to Matthew 11:28 in which it says "Come to me, all you weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". So in summary I feel like this, to me, is God saying "When life isn't going the way you planned, when life is throwing you curveballs, rejoice in me, be joyful for I am your Savior, come to me and put your burdens on me, for I will give you rest". God is always by my side. This is the mindset I want to have. I've seen this very change in my mom the last few years, after years of being a worrier and stressing, she's surrendered and gave God complete control and she's had a huge burden lifted ever since. This is my challenge to myself. 

          

          I read a passage in a book I've been reading lately which had a great analogy. The book is is called "The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life" by Hannah Whithall Smith, which was written in 1883. In it she writes "Most Christians are like a man who was toiling along the road, bending under a heavy burden, when a wagon overtook him, and the driver kindly offered to help him on his journey. He joyfully accepted the offer, but when seated continued to bend beneath his burden, which he still kept on his shoulders. 'Why do you not lay down your burden?' asked the kind-hearted driver. 'Oh!' replied the man, 'I feel that it is almost too much to ask you to carry me, and I could not think of letting you carry my burden too.'" 

         

          It's crazy how much people in the 1800s have the same questions and burdens we have now, though they may be different in some ways. This analogy really made a lot of sense to me. Jesus picked me up off the broken road, He's already giving me a ride, could he not handle my baggage as well? Every time I feel like the burden is getting to be too much I sulk away and lock myself up. I changed that, I'm still stuck in a rut right now but I decided to stand my ground and make the Lord my strength and despite nothing changing in the last year or so for me, I'm feeling great. I gave up the burden. When I'm down on my luck I'm going to praise God for I know He loves me and is by my side. It really is quite amazing the journey I've had in this relationship with Christ and how much it matures. 

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

He makes my feel like the feet of a deer,

He enables me to go on the heights"

Habakkuk 3:19

Simply

          In philosophy and science there's a term called Occam's razor which defined is;

"a scientific and philosophic rule that entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily which is interpreted as requiring that the simplest of competing theories be preferred to the more complex or that explanations of unknown phenomena be sought first in terms of known quantities". The philosophy behind this is why spend so much time looking too much into a theory, problem, or otherwise when the answer could very well be as simple as it seems on the outside.

One of the greatest questions has always been, "why did Jesus die for us". And I think at times we, or at least I know I do, look too much into that. There has been many answers to that question, and many of them right, such as "He died to fulfill the prophecy and deliver us from sin" which is absolutely true. But I think we miss the reason beneath that. The REAL reason He came to die on the cross for us, and it's the most simple answer I can think of. Love.

I grew up in church and I always heard about God the great judge who is perfect in all ways. I never looked at God as a father who loves me. Even now I struggle with that idea from time to time. And I'm sure many of us can feel the same way, the whole I don't deserve that, why would He die for me of all people? And like a parent protecting their child or a person who sacrificed themselves for their loved ones Jesus died, but he didn't just die for some stranger. He died for everyone! He died for the poor man on the streets, He died for the murderer in jail, He died for the rich person who has everything, He died for the normal American who works 40 hours a week and has a family, He died for the underprivileged in all the other countries, He died for everyone. And I don't think He did it because He knew there was a prophecy about Him or because that was the whole reason God made Himself in human form. It was simply for love. How hard it is to overlook that and make the answer so complicated.

Sometimes I think we can get too caught up in works and doing the right things because we know it's the right things to do we forget why we are living to glorify God. My mom brought up recently how she missed going to Catholic mass sometimes because it was more about revering God and realizing just how great He is. She also said Christian churches don't do that enough it seems, that we tend to make it about philosophy, works, and just knowing, mentioning that she hears the word "should" too much about how we should be doing this or we should be doing that because it's never enough. Instead of just living life day by day, being an example of Christ's love for others as well as remembering God is a father who wants to have an relationship with us. Many people have always felt God's love for us and I'm envious of those people in a way. I just know this is a place I struggle in. I just need to remember that Jesus died for me, simply because He loves me.

I Give Up

I'm so tired, of everything. I've always had the curveballs thrown to me in my life, just like anyone else, but lately it's just getting overwhelming. I won't go on about my life and try to conjour up a pity party for me, so I'll just simply say that I gave up. They always talk in church about "giving it up" and "just trust God, He will take care of you". That is so much more easier than said. I don't trust easy, let alone our mighty God. Sure I've told Him "I trust you God" so many times, doesn't mean I've ever truly taken it to heart. Honestly I probably still haven't. I'm surely trying my hardest though, honest to God.
There's a guy I know and he's a bit older, like 40s older, and he was telling me how he has only been a Christian for about 7 years now. He told me it wasn't until about 5 years ago that he truly trusted God and he told me how it happened. Apparently he had been driving to work and stressed out enough with life he told God "I want to trust you, make me trust you, put me in a situation where I have to trust you". Later that day he got called into his boss's office and he was laid off. I can't imagine how I'd take it, I know most people would have said something along the lines of  "really God? I tell you I want to trust you with my heart and you do this?" I know I probably would have, heck I pretty much did say that back in the summer. Instead he felt wow, you really did put me in a situation where I have to rely on you. You have to admit it, he was asking for it. Now he's making enough and able to keep doing what he's doing. He trusted God through all that. I want to be able to say that.
Like a lot of other young 20 something year olds I have no clue what the heck I'm doing, where I'm going, what I'm going to do with my life. Last night, after a few really rough days with so many different situations going on, I gave up. I've never prayed much because I always feel like I'm bad at it, but I prayed and I didn't care how, I gave up. I hope I finally let go and let God as the saying goes. I guess time will tell. I hope I can really let go and just trust God to do what He does. I really hope God gives me signs on where to go from here and figure out what I should do. Here's praying to it cause I've got a long road ahead of me.