Finally

I grew up in church. I've had the "laws" pounded into my head for my whole life. I've read since I was a little kid all the ways to disappoint God and it was basically everything I do or did. I got pounded into my head this image of God the judge, and He was always a judge, never a father. Sure I have heard about it, but just like I don't see judge Mathis with his kids or family I didn't see Him as anything else but a judge waiting to hammer down that gavel how much I have disappointed Him. I've had a hard time realizing that God on His throne is there as a judge, but also a father waiting for us to run up and sit on His lap and tell Him your problems and what's going on in our lives.
Everyone seems to have that big struggle in their faith, this is mine. I've made a lot of progress in the last few months. Even though I accepted Jesus my senior year, the concept that He loves me is still almost, but not quite, foreign. I know He does, and He does very much. But I'm still scared of never ever making Him happy or proud of me. Does anyone else feel like that?
But like I said, recently I've made progress. Before if I said a swear word, I felt like I ruined it and He's totally embarrassed of me and doesn't wanna know me. If I had some other struggles I would be so ashamed I would shut Him out and sink into a dark hole and it's hard getting out without a rope. Wouldn't read the bible, wouldn't pray, nothing, just listen to some depressing music. Honestly I don't even know how I come running back to Him but I always do.
Now for once I'm not so ashamed of myself when I make little mistakes. He knows, I'm a human, it's our fleshy nature. I hear again and again and again "He just wants a relationship" but It's finally getting better. Just like any other relationship it isn't going to be tight as homeboys right away, it progresses like any other relationship. And this relationship is getting tight as homeboys right now. Sure I make mistakes, I swear once in a while depending on if I'm tired, frustrated whatever, but I don't feel so horrible about it. He loves me, I'm sure He doesn't want me to say it too often, but it's not such a big deal. When I make certain mistakes I won't shut myself out anymore. Sure I'll probably hit my rough patches, I'm in one right now sort of, but instead of shutting Him out, like a father I'm going to seek advice and listen to Him instead of trying to do it on my own.
My mom and I have always had a tight relationship, and by tight I mean we say whatever is on our minds holding nothing back, I've gone on a rant where almost every word was the magic word and she listened. That's how I think God is, He isn't going to listen to what you say and say "whoops you said damn in a prayer, I'm ignoring you now", rather i think He will listen to your frustration and help you out whether it's in the way you want it or not. Maybe this isn't such a struggle for most people, but it is for me. And it's not even just the swearing however.
I can finally say, with all honesty, that I can say ANYTHING to God, if I can tell my own parents and friends what's up, then I should be able to tell Him since he loves me more than anyone else does! Lately when I pray I hold nothing back, like David I praise Him, i vent to Him, i let Him know my frustrations whether they be with Him or anyone else. Isn't that what you think of when you think of relationships? Heck any psychologists will tell you fighting can be healthy, maybe that's only in the case of man/woman relationships but I doubt it, the only difference is...He IS always right whether we like it or not haha.
The whole point of this super long blog I guess is Don't hold back in your relationship with God, sure He's a judge, but He's your father too that loves ya. Talk to Him like one, let Him know how you feel, He isn't dying to know, He did die to know.

bah

A lot of times, I wish I was a great writer or someone who could inspire people through writing. I know I won't, but it's good to say what's on your mind right? What do I write about though? It's easy, so easy to write something angry and negative or just angry, but I want to be positive. Maybe I'll get better at this

HBO THIS!

So what is right now probably my favorite book in the bible is 1st and 2nd Samuel (yes I count them as one) because it is so easy to relate to in different ways because the Saul and David, like us, are human. And of course, the best part, it is so EPIC!!!!!! Seriously, it's like a full out action movie, it's like a Bruce Willis movie on crack. Guns don't compare to men fighting face to face, it never will, I mean have you seen 300 or Lord of the Rings yet?! This has a story already set, and it actually happened.
Now I'm a visual guy, I like to see things which is why I got the action bible which is illustrated by a former comic book author who worked with Marvel, it's hard to imagine anything with the likes of anyone in history unless I see it. Also why I sometimes struggle with God, I'd love to physically see Him, but that's a conversation for another time if you'd like. But I'd LOVE to see this happen on the telly. I would pay to see this, and there's only one other show I'd be willing to pay on HBO or showtime to see, and that's Dexter.
But seriously, have you seen the works of arts they've came out with on those channels? And don't tell me that when you started watching band of brothers you didn't get hooked. I even enjoy mini-series more than movies now. Lonesome Dove confirmed it for me. I think it'd make a great series, maybe one season be Samuel anointing Saul and his rule over Israel and the rise of David as a warrior with the stories of him fighting Goliath, lions, thousands of Philistines. And then Saul's chase after David. Then the second season be David's reign as king and bring in some of psalms stories, his fights with Absalom and other sons. And then the rise of Solomon for the third and final season, including the 2 women fighting over the baby to show his wisdom God granted him, his building of the famous temple for the ark, and then the fall of the nation because of his blindness and wealth and thus the end of Israel being ruled under one king...for now.
Seriously how awesome would that be. And HBO tends to be more in depth and accurate since it doesn't have a 2 hour time limit, it's a whole series that I think even non-Christians would enjoy. It'd be awesome.


BTW I know the end of David and all of Solomon was in Kings, but it'd make sense to have them included right?

For everything there is a season, and
a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to
build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a
time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to
refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast
away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time
to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace



this will forever be one of my favorite parts of the bible, it talks so much about LIFE in this short section. There's a time for me to rejoice, and a time for me to be sad, a time to spend time by myself, and a time to be with people to embrace each other around. Ecclesiastes will forever be one of my favorite books.