Finally

I grew up in church. I've had the "laws" pounded into my head for my whole life. I've read since I was a little kid all the ways to disappoint God and it was basically everything I do or did. I got pounded into my head this image of God the judge, and He was always a judge, never a father. Sure I have heard about it, but just like I don't see judge Mathis with his kids or family I didn't see Him as anything else but a judge waiting to hammer down that gavel how much I have disappointed Him. I've had a hard time realizing that God on His throne is there as a judge, but also a father waiting for us to run up and sit on His lap and tell Him your problems and what's going on in our lives.
Everyone seems to have that big struggle in their faith, this is mine. I've made a lot of progress in the last few months. Even though I accepted Jesus my senior year, the concept that He loves me is still almost, but not quite, foreign. I know He does, and He does very much. But I'm still scared of never ever making Him happy or proud of me. Does anyone else feel like that?
But like I said, recently I've made progress. Before if I said a swear word, I felt like I ruined it and He's totally embarrassed of me and doesn't wanna know me. If I had some other struggles I would be so ashamed I would shut Him out and sink into a dark hole and it's hard getting out without a rope. Wouldn't read the bible, wouldn't pray, nothing, just listen to some depressing music. Honestly I don't even know how I come running back to Him but I always do.
Now for once I'm not so ashamed of myself when I make little mistakes. He knows, I'm a human, it's our fleshy nature. I hear again and again and again "He just wants a relationship" but It's finally getting better. Just like any other relationship it isn't going to be tight as homeboys right away, it progresses like any other relationship. And this relationship is getting tight as homeboys right now. Sure I make mistakes, I swear once in a while depending on if I'm tired, frustrated whatever, but I don't feel so horrible about it. He loves me, I'm sure He doesn't want me to say it too often, but it's not such a big deal. When I make certain mistakes I won't shut myself out anymore. Sure I'll probably hit my rough patches, I'm in one right now sort of, but instead of shutting Him out, like a father I'm going to seek advice and listen to Him instead of trying to do it on my own.
My mom and I have always had a tight relationship, and by tight I mean we say whatever is on our minds holding nothing back, I've gone on a rant where almost every word was the magic word and she listened. That's how I think God is, He isn't going to listen to what you say and say "whoops you said damn in a prayer, I'm ignoring you now", rather i think He will listen to your frustration and help you out whether it's in the way you want it or not. Maybe this isn't such a struggle for most people, but it is for me. And it's not even just the swearing however.
I can finally say, with all honesty, that I can say ANYTHING to God, if I can tell my own parents and friends what's up, then I should be able to tell Him since he loves me more than anyone else does! Lately when I pray I hold nothing back, like David I praise Him, i vent to Him, i let Him know my frustrations whether they be with Him or anyone else. Isn't that what you think of when you think of relationships? Heck any psychologists will tell you fighting can be healthy, maybe that's only in the case of man/woman relationships but I doubt it, the only difference is...He IS always right whether we like it or not haha.
The whole point of this super long blog I guess is Don't hold back in your relationship with God, sure He's a judge, but He's your father too that loves ya. Talk to Him like one, let Him know how you feel, He isn't dying to know, He did die to know.