Killing myself to stay alive

It's pretty obvious I'm a Christian, and I have been for about 5 years not counting all the years of going to church since birth and calling myself an agnostic back in high school. 5 years since I opened the door and truly accepted Christ as my savior. 5 years that I still haven't gotten the answers to all my questions. 5 years I've still struggled with depression and hit rock bottom this past summer. 5 years I've continued to ignore all the bullying I've gone through in my life. 5 years I'm ready to finally speak up about it all.
           
I've wanted to write about this for some time now but haven't been able to find a way to write what I wanted to express. Then I read this blog, and a few days after that I saw a video that convinced me, I can't stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to act like I've had the worst life of anyone or that  no one knows what I've been through. Rather I want to raise awareness that many people are going through this and that this isn't a stigma or something that makes someone a bad person. Recently I've heard from people, who don't know me very well and haven't taken the time to get to know me, saying that I'm not a particularly great influence and honestly it hurts, but at the same time I understand that they don't know me at all. How can they when I'm hiding behind a wall?

For a long time I was okay, not necessarily depressed, but maybe not the happiest guy on earth. When I was in school for EMT and the career of firefighting at my fingertips I was happy and felt stable in my life for once. However all that came crumbling down last summer; in May my parents told me they were getting divorced and that they would be selling the house which left me with no idea where I would go, and a couple of weeks later I found out I couldn't be a firefighter because my hearing didn't meet the minimum requirements. It killed me and I started sinking back into the quicksand and shutting a lot of people out. I started drinking more often and had a few bad nights, but it wasn't overly excessive. I felt more lost than I had up to that point in my life, I had worked for two long years towards this career I couldn't even do.

Over the winter my sister and her family came home from Zimbabwe for the first time in about two years for three months and it was much like a temporary break from the world when I was able to spend time with my nephews and I've typically have been in higher spirits during the holidays. At this point my parents had decided to get back together and my mom, who had moved to Arizona near her sister in July, would be moving back in February which also meant they wouldn't be selling the house. I figured out what I would go to school for and things started looking up a little bit again. I actually had a good spring and I just felt better, I had a good social life and there were people in my life that I was happy about, softball was starting, and everyone who knows me knows just how much I love warm weather.

Then I was back in a rut by mid-June and it was the start of a long and dark period for me that I'm still recovering from. Maybe it was the way the chemicals rearranged themselves in my brain, maybe working at Walmart was taking its toll, I'm not sure exactly what set it off. I was hurt by some people I thought I was close to and I just felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was 5 years removed from high school with seemingly nothing to show for it. It really doesn't seem that bad when I look back on it but for some reason I hit what felt like rock bottom. Maybe it was myself getting tired of all the stress since last summer and nothing worthwhile, such as school (yes school is a healthy distraction for me, I'm not sure why) or an enjoyable job, to distract me from everything. It seems like there was no logical reason for this, but I was tired.

Physically I felt fine, I smoked, and still do more than I should unfortunately, but otherwise I was playing softball and in shape. But mentally I was done, I couldn't even take it anymore, every day the reoccurring thought in my head was "fuck this". Every day seemed to be more of a burden, the best comparison is that I felt like Frodo in Lord of the Rings except I had no awesome super secret mission to save the world cause I'm just a regular guy. Every day that passed my thoughts grew darker and bleak, thoughts I never wanted to think started to slowly take over. My response? I stopped hanging out with everyone and anyone and I started drinking. A lot. I doubt there was a single night in July I didn't have a drink, some nights I had more than others but every night I was either drunk or close to it. I'm far from an alcoholic and I don't the same problem though once in a while I'll have a few extra drinks but nowhere near as bad as the summer, but it wasn't the case at the time. I drank because it cleared my head and I was basically numb. I didn't want to think anymore, I just wanted to get through each day with as little pain and grief as possible.

I was ready to give up on everything. It's hard not knowing, like many young adults, what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I felt, and still sometimes do, like I was weak because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Men grow up with the mentality that we're supposed to be like John Wayne and feelings are for pussies. So many of us feel like we have to suppress our feelings, and I just didn't have the energy to do that anymore. This is why you always hear from suicide victim's family and friends that the victim "seemed just fine" and " haven't seemed any different, they were laughing yesterday". I consider myself a decently tough guy that has a heart that's grown harder over the years, but the pressure created too many cracks for me.

Before it seems like I'm being random, this is actually, in my mind, directly related to everything I've written about so far. But growing up I was bullied a lot, mostly in church in what seems like an ironic twist. I'm not completely sure why I was bullied, maybe it was because I was scrawny and/or because of my hearing problems. So being left out because I was "different" only made me more different (anyone remember my goth phase? I wish I didn't hah) and thus even more left out. It almost seems like a lose-lose situation. Being left out, especially since I grew up in church and it was a big part of my life whether I wanted it or not, really made it hard for me. So not only was I different at church, I was different at school and I think that made people too nervous to talk to me or for whatever reason (maybe it was all the black I wore and the metal I listened to). Of course I could, and I wish I did, have responded better and stayed active in sports and involved in school, instead of growing so anti-social. But unfortunately that wasn't how I went about things at the time.

So back to the past few months, the rise of Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito and the rising awareness, or is it a feel good awareness as shown in the video above, of bullying and the effects that is can have on people. In my opinion Martin didn't handle his bullying in the best way, but everyone responds differently, it took me 13 years before I finally stood up for myself for the first time. But the issue remains, bullying has a lasting effect, and it leads to a feeling of being inferior and worthlessness. Every time I do something wrong, no matter how big or small it may be, I feel like absolute crap afterwards and it kills me, and that feeling stems directly from my being bullied. I got to the point, and I still do at times, where sometimes even something small may make me down for an hour or a few days. For a long time I ignored why I felt this way at times, where my true feelings of depression stems from. It's not as simple as bullying and there have been issues in my past which has led to my struggles with depression.

I recently talked to someone, who was bullied much like I was, about being bullied and how it's taken its toll on me in life. I mentioned that I wish they could have acknowledged it and admitted they were wrong, because it's not just kids being kids. There's a difference between a fight and being bullied. However this is the message he sent me about his feelings.
          "People don't know the hurt they cause sometimes but when they do a lot of them know they're shitheads and try to write it off like "oh kids will be kids". But no, fuck no, you fucking damage people ya know? Like, we all gotta grow thick skin right? But it takes time to do that, the scar tissue never goes away man. I know as well as I believe....like, you fucking made me, now you get to deal with me. Go ahead, talk about me, tell people how I'm fucked up, but when others ask why? You can simply reply, they made me me this way and I'm glad they don't like it"

And to be honest, this is how I feel, this is how I've felt for a long long time and my friend put it in the words I've been trying to say. This is what bullying really does to people, this is what being left out does to kids, this is what parents writing everything off as "kids being kids" does to kids. I witnessed too many parents refuse to take responsibility when their kids acted out of line. To be honest, it does piss me off when a bully goes through life acting like they never did anything wrong growing up but can I really hold it against them? Many of the people I know who were not particularly the nicest people back in the day are actually great people now, completely kind and loving people. Some have even told me how sorry they were for treating me the way they did, and I stay close with those people, or I try to.

The last month I've heard from a couple of sources saying how some people, including a bully or two, think I'm a bad influence because I have had a history of drinking or acting out. What sucks, and hurts me, is that they don't even know me at all. Some may think they do, and it just sucks, and this is yet another reason I feel like I need to speak up about depression, whether it stems from bullying or a hard childhood, or even as simply as the chemical imbalance in the brain, doesn't make someone a bad person. It makes that person someone who needs love and understanding.  Most people, including myself, would not want a pity party and am not asking for one. Just some simple understanding that most people who struggle with depression just want to be loved and simply want friends there for them in thick and thin. Fortunately I have some amazing friends who have stuck with me even when I've been a bad friend and probably had too much for them to deal with. But I've still had a few people who know me, but don't really know me as much as I'd like them to, that think I'm a bad influence and it does hurt. But the best I feel like I can do is be more outspoken about this issue, that it doesn't make me a bad influence. My closest friends know I've never encouraged getting drunk all the time or acting out, rather that I try to discourage it for them.

Even though I was bullied almost exclusively in church, I don't blame God for it. Unless we all truly are puppets with no choice in our lives, people have exercised their decisions to bully. And I highly doubt God wants anyone to be bullied and pushed around, though I could definitely see God wanting the bullied to use their voice for good. Life is a lot about perspective, seeing things from not just my side but other sides too, and through understanding of that I believe it's easier to learn to have love and compassion for others.

Depression shouldn't be looked at as a stigma, and someone who struggles with it shouldn't be looked at as this crazy person who belongs in the psych ward. Some of the most amazing people I've gotten to know have gone through some serious depression, some having attempted suicide or others who have taken some hardcore drugs, and I find those are the people who tend to have the deepest thoughts and wider perspective on the world. I've dealt with depression for several reasons, but some are more preventable than others, such as bullying.  For others it may have more of an effect than it did for me, and for others it may have had no effect. Either way, it's like the guy said at the end of the video I mentioned, bullying stops with us, and I wholeheartedly believe the same about depression. It's all about love and listening to others. Being there for others. Stepping up, no matter what it means.

Honestly, nothing in the last few months has happened that turned me around. I basically just forced myself out of my house on nights that wasn't just for softball. Being around friends, whether they were close or not, helped and I felt some strength to go on. But what gave me the most strength was my decision to go a new church in late September, since I hadn't gone to a church in general since February, and I felt connected there. Though I haven't been in about a month now, sorry Dan! As always when I write a blog, I feel like my voice isn't worth hearing but I want to take that chance to be more vocal. I've decided to spend more time volunteering and someday I'd like to work with teenagers who have had a tough life, regardless of the reason. Every now and then I'll have a rough patch where I feel the burden rising up but I keep my hope in God, because if it wasn't for my faith in God I honestly believe I wouldn't be here today. I plan on doing some serious meditating when I go to see my sister in Africa. This isn't about talking about myself, I hate doing that, but about wanting to make people realize how prevalent depression really is. I know many people who have or are struggling with depression that some people never would have guessed. For a long time I did a damn good job at hiding it until it got to a point where it wore me down. So if you know someone who could be depressed, the best thing to do is be a friend to that person. If you see someone being bullied, the best thing to do is to stand up for that person (bullies don't like being in confrontations, I can't affirm to that). The most important, and cheesy sounding thing, is to love others, be slow to judge and quick to listen. I'm not much of a philosopher or speaker but this is my 2 cents on the matter. I hope I'm not alone in this and if anyone ever wanted to talk with me about anything, I'd love to share or listen.

Times Are Harder, Faith Is Stronger

          "Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Habakkuk 3:17-18

          I read this verse the other day, it really hit me to say the least. I wondered why I hadn't heard it earlier in my life with its challenging statement. I really envy this guy, I really do envy a person like him or Job who, despite all the hard times and challenges of life, can rejoice in the Lord and praise God. I've struggled with depression in my life and usually I've been able to stay stable and faithful in hard times, but there have been low points in my life where I just wanted to give up. Points in life where I forget that God is right there by my side. This challenged me to remember from now on, if and when I hit a snag in life, to just be joyful in God my Savior. After all, "if God is for us, who can be against us"? 

         

          I'm taking up this verse as a challenge to myself and yet another "life verse" to live by. When I feel like things are getting rough, just rejoice in the Lord. I think I can relate this to Matthew 11:28 in which it says "Come to me, all you weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". So in summary I feel like this, to me, is God saying "When life isn't going the way you planned, when life is throwing you curveballs, rejoice in me, be joyful for I am your Savior, come to me and put your burdens on me, for I will give you rest". God is always by my side. This is the mindset I want to have. I've seen this very change in my mom the last few years, after years of being a worrier and stressing, she's surrendered and gave God complete control and she's had a huge burden lifted ever since. This is my challenge to myself. 

          

          I read a passage in a book I've been reading lately which had a great analogy. The book is is called "The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life" by Hannah Whithall Smith, which was written in 1883. In it she writes "Most Christians are like a man who was toiling along the road, bending under a heavy burden, when a wagon overtook him, and the driver kindly offered to help him on his journey. He joyfully accepted the offer, but when seated continued to bend beneath his burden, which he still kept on his shoulders. 'Why do you not lay down your burden?' asked the kind-hearted driver. 'Oh!' replied the man, 'I feel that it is almost too much to ask you to carry me, and I could not think of letting you carry my burden too.'" 

         

          It's crazy how much people in the 1800s have the same questions and burdens we have now, though they may be different in some ways. This analogy really made a lot of sense to me. Jesus picked me up off the broken road, He's already giving me a ride, could he not handle my baggage as well? Every time I feel like the burden is getting to be too much I sulk away and lock myself up. I changed that, I'm still stuck in a rut right now but I decided to stand my ground and make the Lord my strength and despite nothing changing in the last year or so for me, I'm feeling great. I gave up the burden. When I'm down on my luck I'm going to praise God for I know He loves me and is by my side. It really is quite amazing the journey I've had in this relationship with Christ and how much it matures. 

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

He makes my feel like the feet of a deer,

He enables me to go on the heights"

Habakkuk 3:19

Simply

          In philosophy and science there's a term called Occam's razor which defined is;

"a scientific and philosophic rule that entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily which is interpreted as requiring that the simplest of competing theories be preferred to the more complex or that explanations of unknown phenomena be sought first in terms of known quantities". The philosophy behind this is why spend so much time looking too much into a theory, problem, or otherwise when the answer could very well be as simple as it seems on the outside.

One of the greatest questions has always been, "why did Jesus die for us". And I think at times we, or at least I know I do, look too much into that. There has been many answers to that question, and many of them right, such as "He died to fulfill the prophecy and deliver us from sin" which is absolutely true. But I think we miss the reason beneath that. The REAL reason He came to die on the cross for us, and it's the most simple answer I can think of. Love.

I grew up in church and I always heard about God the great judge who is perfect in all ways. I never looked at God as a father who loves me. Even now I struggle with that idea from time to time. And I'm sure many of us can feel the same way, the whole I don't deserve that, why would He die for me of all people? And like a parent protecting their child or a person who sacrificed themselves for their loved ones Jesus died, but he didn't just die for some stranger. He died for everyone! He died for the poor man on the streets, He died for the murderer in jail, He died for the rich person who has everything, He died for the normal American who works 40 hours a week and has a family, He died for the underprivileged in all the other countries, He died for everyone. And I don't think He did it because He knew there was a prophecy about Him or because that was the whole reason God made Himself in human form. It was simply for love. How hard it is to overlook that and make the answer so complicated.

Sometimes I think we can get too caught up in works and doing the right things because we know it's the right things to do we forget why we are living to glorify God. My mom brought up recently how she missed going to Catholic mass sometimes because it was more about revering God and realizing just how great He is. She also said Christian churches don't do that enough it seems, that we tend to make it about philosophy, works, and just knowing, mentioning that she hears the word "should" too much about how we should be doing this or we should be doing that because it's never enough. Instead of just living life day by day, being an example of Christ's love for others as well as remembering God is a father who wants to have an relationship with us. Many people have always felt God's love for us and I'm envious of those people in a way. I just know this is a place I struggle in. I just need to remember that Jesus died for me, simply because He loves me.