It's pretty obvious I'm a Christian, and I have been for about 5 years not counting all the years of going to church since birth and calling myself an agnostic back in high school. 5 years since I opened the door and truly accepted Christ as my savior. 5 years that I still haven't gotten the answers to all my questions. 5 years I've still struggled with depression and hit rock bottom this past summer. 5 years I've continued to ignore all the bullying I've gone through in my life. 5 years I'm ready to finally speak up about it all.
I've wanted to write about this for some time now but haven't been able to find a way to write what I wanted to express. Then I read this
blog, and a few days after that I saw a
video that convinced me, I can't stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to act like I've had the worst life of anyone or that no one knows what I've been through. Rather I want to raise awareness that many people are going through this and that this isn't a stigma or something that makes someone a bad person. Recently I've heard from people, who don't know me very well and haven't taken the time to get to know me, saying that I'm not a particularly great influence and honestly it hurts, but at the same time I understand that they don't know me at all. How can they when I'm hiding behind a wall?
For a long time I was okay, not necessarily depressed, but maybe not the happiest guy on earth. When I was in school for EMT and the career of firefighting at my fingertips I was happy and felt stable in my life for once. However all that came crumbling down last summer; in May my parents told me they were getting divorced and that they would be selling the house which left me with no idea where I would go, and a couple of weeks later I found out I couldn't be a firefighter because my hearing didn't meet the minimum requirements. It killed me and I started sinking back into the quicksand and shutting a lot of people out. I started drinking more often and had a few bad nights, but it wasn't overly excessive. I felt more lost than I had up to that point in my life, I had worked for two long years towards this career I couldn't even do.
Over the winter my sister and her family came home from Zimbabwe for the first time in about two years for three months and it was much like a temporary break from the world when I was able to spend time with my nephews and I've typically have been in higher spirits during the holidays. At this point my parents had decided to get back together and my mom, who had moved to Arizona near her sister in July, would be moving back in February which also meant they wouldn't be selling the house. I figured out what I would go to school for and things started looking up a little bit again. I actually had a good spring and I just felt better, I had a good social life and there were people in my life that I was happy about, softball was starting, and everyone who knows me knows just how much I love warm weather.
Then I was back in a rut by mid-June and it was the start of a long and dark period for me that I'm still recovering from. Maybe it was the way the chemicals rearranged themselves in my brain, maybe working at Walmart was taking its toll, I'm not sure exactly what set it off. I was hurt by some people I thought I was close to and I just felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was 5 years removed from high school with seemingly nothing to show for it. It really doesn't seem that bad when I look back on it but for some reason I hit what felt like rock bottom. Maybe it was myself getting tired of all the stress since last summer and nothing worthwhile, such as school (yes school is a healthy distraction for me, I'm not sure why) or an enjoyable job, to distract me from everything. It seems like there was no logical reason for this, but I was tired.
Physically I felt fine, I smoked, and still do more than I should unfortunately, but otherwise I was playing softball and in shape. But mentally I was done, I couldn't even take it anymore, every day the reoccurring thought in my head was "fuck this". Every day seemed to be more of a burden, the best comparison is that I felt like Frodo in Lord of the Rings except I had no awesome super secret mission to save the world cause I'm just a regular guy. Every day that passed my thoughts grew darker and bleak, thoughts I never wanted to think started to slowly take over. My response? I stopped hanging out with everyone and anyone and I started drinking. A lot. I doubt there was a single night in July I didn't have a drink, some nights I had more than others but every night I was either drunk or close to it. I'm far from an alcoholic and I don't the same problem though once in a while I'll have a few extra drinks but nowhere near as bad as the summer, but it wasn't the case at the time. I drank because it cleared my head and I was basically numb. I didn't want to think anymore, I just wanted to get through each day with as little pain and grief as possible.
I was ready to give up on everything. It's hard not knowing, like many young adults, what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going. I felt, and still sometimes do, like I was weak because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Men grow up with the mentality that we're supposed to be like John Wayne and feelings are for pussies. So many of us feel like we have to suppress our feelings, and I just didn't have the energy to do that anymore. This is why you always hear from suicide victim's family and friends that the victim "seemed just fine" and " haven't seemed any different, they were laughing yesterday". I consider myself a decently tough guy that has a heart that's grown harder over the years, but the pressure created too many cracks for me.
Before it seems like I'm being random, this is actually, in my mind, directly related to everything I've written about so far. But growing up I was bullied a lot, mostly in church in what seems like an ironic twist. I'm not completely sure why I was bullied, maybe it was because I was scrawny and/or because of my hearing problems. So being left out because I was "different" only made me more different (anyone remember my goth phase? I wish I didn't hah) and thus even more left out. It almost seems like a lose-lose situation. Being left out, especially since I grew up in church and it was a big part of my life whether I wanted it or not, really made it hard for me. So not only was I different at church, I was different at school and I think that made people too nervous to talk to me or for whatever reason (maybe it was all the black I wore and the metal I listened to). Of course I could, and I wish I did, have responded better and stayed active in sports and involved in school, instead of growing so anti-social. But unfortunately that wasn't how I went about things at the time.
So back to the past few months, the rise of Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito and the rising awareness, or is it a feel good awareness as shown in the video above, of bullying and the effects that is can have on people. In my opinion Martin didn't handle his bullying in the best way, but everyone responds differently, it took me 13 years before I finally stood up for myself for the first time. But the issue remains, bullying has a lasting effect, and it leads to a feeling of being inferior and worthlessness. Every time I do something wrong, no matter how big or small it may be, I feel like absolute crap afterwards and it kills me, and that feeling stems directly from my being bullied. I got to the point, and I still do at times, where sometimes even something small may make me down for an hour or a few days. For a long time I ignored why I felt this way at times, where my true feelings of depression stems from. It's not as simple as bullying and there have been issues in my past which has led to my struggles with depression.
I recently talked to someone, who was bullied much like I was, about being bullied and how it's taken its toll on me in life. I mentioned that I wish they could have acknowledged it and admitted they were wrong, because it's not just kids being kids. There's a difference between a fight and being bullied. However this is the message he sent me about his feelings.
"People don't know the hurt they cause sometimes but when they do a lot of them know they're shitheads and try to write it off like "oh kids will be kids". But no, fuck no, you fucking damage people ya know? Like, we all gotta grow thick skin right? But it takes time to do that, the scar tissue never goes away man. I know as well as I believe....like, you fucking made me, now you get to deal with me. Go ahead, talk about me, tell people how I'm fucked up, but when others ask why? You can simply reply, they made me me this way and I'm glad they don't like it"
And to be honest, this is how I feel, this is how I've felt for a long long time and my friend put it in the words I've been trying to say. This is what bullying really does to people, this is what being left out does to kids, this is what parents writing everything off as "kids being kids" does to kids. I witnessed too many parents refuse to take responsibility when their kids acted out of line. To be honest, it does piss me off when a bully goes through life acting like they never did anything wrong growing up but can I really hold it against them? Many of the people I know who were not particularly the nicest people back in the day are actually great people now, completely kind and loving people. Some have even told me how sorry they were for treating me the way they did, and I stay close with those people, or I try to.
The last month I've heard from a couple of sources saying how some people, including a bully or two, think I'm a bad influence because I have had a history of drinking or acting out. What sucks, and hurts me, is that they don't even know me at all. Some may think they do, and it just sucks, and this is yet another reason I feel like I need to speak up about depression, whether it stems from bullying or a hard childhood, or even as simply as the chemical imbalance in the brain, doesn't make someone a bad person. It makes that person someone who needs love and understanding. Most people, including myself, would not want a pity party and am not asking for one. Just some simple understanding that most people who struggle with depression just want to be loved and simply want friends there for them in thick and thin. Fortunately I have some amazing friends who have stuck with me even when I've been a bad friend and probably had too much for them to deal with. But I've still had a few people who know me, but don't really know me as much as I'd like them to, that think I'm a bad influence and it does hurt. But the best I feel like I can do is be more outspoken about this issue, that it doesn't make me a bad influence. My closest friends know I've never encouraged getting drunk all the time or acting out, rather that I try to discourage it for them.
Even though I was bullied almost exclusively in church, I don't blame God for it. Unless we all truly are puppets with no choice in our lives, people have exercised their decisions to bully. And I highly doubt God wants anyone to be bullied and pushed around, though I could definitely see God wanting the bullied to use their voice for good. Life is a lot about perspective, seeing things from not just my side but other sides too, and through understanding of that I believe it's easier to learn to have love and compassion for others.
Depression shouldn't be looked at as a stigma, and someone who struggles with it shouldn't be looked at as this crazy person who belongs in the psych ward. Some of the most amazing people I've gotten to know have gone through some serious depression, some having attempted suicide or others who have taken some hardcore drugs, and I find those are the people who tend to have the deepest thoughts and wider perspective on the world. I've dealt with depression for several reasons, but some are more preventable than others, such as bullying. For others it may have more of an effect than it did for me, and for others it may have had no effect. Either way, it's like the guy said at the end of the video I mentioned, bullying stops with us, and I wholeheartedly believe the same about depression. It's all about love and listening to others. Being there for others. Stepping up, no matter what it means.
Honestly, nothing in the last few months has happened that turned me around. I basically just forced myself out of my house on nights that wasn't just for softball. Being around friends, whether they were close or not, helped and I felt some strength to go on. But what gave me the most strength was my decision to go a new church in late September, since I hadn't gone to a church in general since February, and I felt connected there. Though I haven't been in about a month now, sorry Dan! As always when I write a blog, I feel like my voice isn't worth hearing but I want to take that chance to be more vocal. I've decided to spend more time volunteering and someday I'd like to work with teenagers who have had a tough life, regardless of the reason. Every now and then I'll have a rough patch where I feel the burden rising up but I keep my hope in God, because if it wasn't for my faith in God I honestly believe I wouldn't be here today. I plan on doing some serious meditating when I go to see my sister in Africa. This isn't about talking about myself, I hate doing that, but about wanting to make people realize how prevalent depression really is. I know many people who have or are struggling with depression that some people never would have guessed. For a long time I did a damn good job at hiding it until it got to a point where it wore me down. So if you know someone who could be depressed, the best thing to do is be a friend to that person. If you see someone being bullied, the best thing to do is to stand up for that person (bullies don't like being in confrontations, I can't affirm to that). The most important, and cheesy sounding thing, is to love others, be slow to judge and quick to listen. I'm not much of a philosopher or speaker but this is my 2 cents on the matter. I hope I'm not alone in this and if anyone ever wanted to talk with me about anything, I'd love to share or listen.
