It's Not Time Yet

          It's been just over a year since I wrote a blog on depression and my own personal bouts with it. To be completely honest, there hasn't been a lot of change. As any usual year there has been ups and downs, but it lingers very much. Some days are worst than others, other days are absolutely fantastic. I got to go to Africa, meet a beautiful woman, went to a few White Sox games, and basically any great news from the White Sox makes me a happy man for a few hours or days (yay Samardjiza and Melky), a couple nights ago I got to go to a hockey game with my cousin which brought back memories of being a kid and a reminder of just how much I love hockey, I loved spending time with my cousin and my family during the holidays. It's hard sometimes reminding myself that I do have great days, maybe more often than I realize. While I had quite a few rough days, maybe it's best I don't write them down to remind myself of them, maybe they aren't enough for me to force myself into depression over it.

The hardest thing about depression is that you get caught into this vicious cycle. You make mistakes or something bad happens, so you feel bad, but then because you feel bad you don't do anything, so you continue to make mistakes. Vicious. One of the more misunderstood symptoms of depression is that you're just sad, which isn't true. I read a few weeks ago that people with depression aren't necessarily sad, but they feel nothing, or are persistently nagged by anxiety. I had never read a decently accurate way of how it felt until I read that. It's not that I'm sad, it's that I shut down my emotions, then anxiety kicks in a bit, though I don't get anxiety attacks or necessarily struggle with that as much, and I let the easy emotions take over. Anger is easy, anxiety is easy, being tired is easy, being lazy is easy, lust is easy, jealousy is easy. We all have our different vices.

Coming home from Africa was very hard. I had a very rough last few days there, partly for obvious reasons and partly for reasons that are personal. Being home was hard, I went from living simple and with little (though still more than most) to coming home to a country more consumed by video games, sports (guilty), and coach purses than helping the poor. But that's a conversation for another time. Nonetheless it was hard for me. I hadn't gone to church or was involved in any ways in my relationship with Christ. Life started to feel impossible to me, and I couldn't tell if it was (is?) worse this time around than it was during the summer of 2013.

I wrote a few blogs ago about how growing up I used to get scared of the thought of Heaven. My misunderstanding of Heaven as a place where we all just turn into mindless worshiping drones, not unlike the "Imhotep" chants from The Mummy. And it was ETERNAL. That's a long time! But then I learned about what Heaven will really be like, and we haven't even been able to scratch the surface of what Heaven will truly be like. Now I long for it. But maybe I long for it too eagerly at times. The pain we all go through can seem like so much, and I feel weaker than many. The last couple of years I've lost my focus. I didn't quite realize it, but in 2011 I was in a very good place. Maybe everything wasn't going exactly the way I wanted it to, but I trusted in God that He would be guiding me, no matter where it may be. Somewhere I lost focus. I lost all trust in everything and everyone around me. And I felt like I couldn't say anything about it to anyone. I still feel that way a lot. I feel let down by a lot of people and to be honest, by God also. Trust can be hard.

For a while now, I've wanted to just...go to Heaven already. Let me leave the misery here behind and be in the perfect sanctuary. Where I can hear the leaves rustling and the intricacies of music, where I can live as God truly intended for us to live, by a beautiful beach or canoeing down a river, worshipping God all the time in everything we do, maybe I'll even be able to grow a full, thick, manly beard. Just close your eyes and think of your idea of a perfect day, Heaven won't be far off from it. In fact, it will be better than anything you could imagine.  I cannot wait for that.

But alas, we all must wait for our time. But now I'm realizing that maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it's so much more than that. I long for a time that there will be no weeping, no darkness, no shame, no misery. Don't we all? I am called to a purpose here, I am called to fish for disciples. I am called to show people Christ. To help and love my neighbors. That's something I haven't done very well the last couple of years. I've been longing so much for Heaven that I lost focus on what my mission should be here. I've been so focused on being in Heaven that I've forgotten about striving to bring others to Christ so that they may also be in Heaven, so they can also feel the love of Christ. This changes now.

It's time for me to grow stronger in perseverance, in willpower, in strength, in Jesus, my beautiful savior who died to save me from death. Someday I will never weep in sorrow again, never feel pain again, never feel or fear darkness again, but until then I need to show that I will not let it beat me until my time. I will not let satan have a hold on me. I will have my bad days, but in those days I will lean on Jesus. Until my time, I will do my best to bring people to Christ and show His love, no matter how much I might fail at it. In Jesus I will persevere.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

You Hold Me Now

"On the day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
and forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

In this life I would stand
through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There's a hope that never fades

Where Your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name"

"Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth"

          Recently I had been discussing how my dad is a truck driver with a friend and I brought myself in the conversation of being a truck driver but I couldn't due to my hearing. My friend brought up that he thought it was for the better that I could not be a truck driver because I'm too much of a thinker, and therein lies one of my downfalls. Now I'm far from the smartest person, but I spend too much time thinking and worrying and pondering, but not enough time just accepting things. In other words, I over think everything and it affects me too much from time to time.

For a long time I wouldn't call myself a Christian because I could not comprehend how a God who cares, could let there be so much suffering. But in reality I was just unhappy with how my own life had been going and didn't want to believe in a God who didn't “bless” me. In time I learned to look at things from a perspective not my own, putting the foot in another shoe so to speak. After spending a long time with research and trying to “discover the truth”, I came to the conclusion that there is a God, but that was the easy part. The hard part was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Jesus loves me, having a relationship with a God who isn't here physically in front of me that I could text or call anytime, relying on feelings all the time, the fire that one feels from time to time. The easy part is believing in God, the hard part is denying yourself and picking up the cross daily as Jesus says in Luke 9:23

It's hard to write this post as I want to get several points across without writing 3 or 4 more posts on something that all relates to each other in a way. I think the overall point I want to make is how hard it can be to have a relationship, but also how simple it really is at the same time, bringing up my own thoughts on the struggles I've faced with that. But also, I wanted to talk about how important it is to have that relationship and why we strive, and should always strive, to have that relationship in the first place, why it's so completely worth fighting and dying for.

A mindset I've noticed that has become more popular, which is a contrast from the mindset of many, many generations before us, is that we are entitled to everything, that we all deserve to have the best reward. A new generation of feeling like a man and wife who makes good money and raises a family in a good neighborhood is better than a person who sacrifices their life to help poor people and give everything they've got. This is a popular thought even among Christians. We may not say it out loud but that's what I see, go to a 4 year school, get a job, and you deserve the best. But isn't life more than that? Isn't life more than works and just doing what's expected of you while expecting everything handed to you in return? It isn't all about waking up, go to work, provide for your family, sleep, repeat. A popular quote that goes around is, and I'm probably paraphrasing as there's many versions, “are you alive or just breathing?”.

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to that mindset, that I expect fair return for my hard work, my opinion is right and if you don't think so then you're wrong, and that I'm the one that's alive and the world should revolve around me, even if I don't say it out loud. I think a lot of people are to be honest, even if it sounds wrong of me to say. The point I'm trying to make here, is I've heard many arguments against God that we deserve to go to Heaven, whether we're sinners or not. It's a very hard truth to accept that those who do not believe that Jesus died for our sins and rose again to save us so that we may know God are not going to be permitted in Heaven. There was a time when that made more sense and people were so happy to know that we had a savior who died for us, and now many think it's wrong that we need a savior, as if we were already good enough to die for, and that good works should be enough to buy our ticket to Heaven. But who of us would offer shelter to someone who ridicules us at the same time? Some might act like a saint and say they would but I think they'd be lying, ironically however, Jesus calls us to love our enemies and pray for them.

It seems like there's been a sense of feeling that Christians are mindless sheep and Jesus isn't worth having a relationship with. To be sure, I struggle with giving myself to Christ completely and picking up my own cross daily, but being a mindless sheep is the last thing Jesus calls for us. He embraces our uniqueness and gave us all different sets of skills that we may contribute to the world, as Psalm 139:13-14 says, “you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. He blesses those with the ability to make wonderful music, those with skills of art, those who have the heart of a servant to help the poor and weary. Those don't sound like sheep to me, it sounds to me like He intended a world where everyone, with their own identity as indicated in Isaiah 64:8, and unique set of skills can come together and live life to its true fullest as well as worship God in everything. Somewhere along the lines, being a Christian went from being an amazing blessing to being a sense burden and punishment.

When I was little, I had quite a phobia of death, I was literally scared every single night for a long time that I would sleep and not wake up. What scared me wasn't hell, it wasn't that there might be nothing after life, but rather I was scared of Heaven. One time at a youth group when I was in middle school, one of the leaders said something that really made my already existing fear of Heaven even worse. He said he believed that when we go to Heaven, we would “be so amazed by God that we would do nothing but fall on our knees in awe”, literally saying we would do nothing for all eternity but stare at God. That's scary to think about, no? For all eternity...eternity is a long, long, long, long, time. Then I felt guilty for a long time because what if that's how Heaven will be? Of course I should feel lucky to look upon God and nothing else for all eternity. Don't get me wrong, I will be in awe when I see God, but I don't think that's the idea God had in mind for us, especially since the bible tells us differently.

I read a book shortly after becoming a Christian promptly called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. I thank God for this guy cause I don't think I could have been more excited for Heaven otherwise. While the way he describes Heaven in his view is completely refreshing, it's hard to remember that he got everything from the bible itself, maybe I should have just read my bible more. If we think about Heaven and the new earth in it's truest form, the Garden of Eden, I think we can see how God intends it to be. Jesus describes in John 14:2-3 that “in my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am”, and in Matthew that if we follow Him, we will have treasure in Heaven. When I think of Heaven, I imagine the streets of gold in the new city as described in Revelations, with a home I can truly call my own as given to my by God, I think about endless mountains and forests to explore and animals I can discover and interact with.

So where is God in all of that? That's the beauty of it, He is everywhere. Even here, we are called to glorify God when we eat, drink, and in everything we do, as mentioned in 1 Corinthians 10:31, in Heaven we will truly glorify God in everything we do, whether it is eating, drinking, hiking, cliff diving, being with other people, singing with other people, swimming, basically everything we already experience here on earth will be perfect and the way it was intended. I think when Jesus talks about Heaven and the treasures waiting for us, He's not talking about gold and silver but rather everything I mentioned above. When I think of the treasures I want, I don't think about money, but I think about the freedom to go on adventures and see sights, but I think another treasure is a perfect relationship with Jesus. Because honestly, I don't think I have a good relationship with Him. I don't pray nearly as much as I should, actually closer to rarely praying. I want a relationship so bad, but as I talked about earlier, it's hard for me to have a relationship with Jesus when I can't physically talk or see Him now. It's hard to believe the unseen and to have faith that I'm saved by grace, like I said, it's easy to believe in God, but for some it's hard to have a relationship. Logically and scientifically, I think everything points to an intelligent designer, the beauty and intricacy of this universe is so amazing and I see God's fingerprints all over it.

But it sounds way too good to be true right? At least, that's how I feel all the time, but it's really as simple as that. Every year I have been able to grow in some ways, and I know that as long as I pray (which I'm working at getting better at) and work at my relationship with Jesus, as I would if I were married or with my friends, His grace will cover me. I want many treasures in Heaven such as those I mentioned above, but the treasure that I'm seeking the most is a perfect relationship with Him. To be able to walk with Jesus, physically and spiritually, in the garden.