It's Not Time Yet

          It's been just over a year since I wrote a blog on depression and my own personal bouts with it. To be completely honest, there hasn't been a lot of change. As any usual year there has been ups and downs, but it lingers very much. Some days are worst than others, other days are absolutely fantastic. I got to go to Africa, meet a beautiful woman, went to a few White Sox games, and basically any great news from the White Sox makes me a happy man for a few hours or days (yay Samardjiza and Melky), a couple nights ago I got to go to a hockey game with my cousin which brought back memories of being a kid and a reminder of just how much I love hockey, I loved spending time with my cousin and my family during the holidays. It's hard sometimes reminding myself that I do have great days, maybe more often than I realize. While I had quite a few rough days, maybe it's best I don't write them down to remind myself of them, maybe they aren't enough for me to force myself into depression over it.

The hardest thing about depression is that you get caught into this vicious cycle. You make mistakes or something bad happens, so you feel bad, but then because you feel bad you don't do anything, so you continue to make mistakes. Vicious. One of the more misunderstood symptoms of depression is that you're just sad, which isn't true. I read a few weeks ago that people with depression aren't necessarily sad, but they feel nothing, or are persistently nagged by anxiety. I had never read a decently accurate way of how it felt until I read that. It's not that I'm sad, it's that I shut down my emotions, then anxiety kicks in a bit, though I don't get anxiety attacks or necessarily struggle with that as much, and I let the easy emotions take over. Anger is easy, anxiety is easy, being tired is easy, being lazy is easy, lust is easy, jealousy is easy. We all have our different vices.

Coming home from Africa was very hard. I had a very rough last few days there, partly for obvious reasons and partly for reasons that are personal. Being home was hard, I went from living simple and with little (though still more than most) to coming home to a country more consumed by video games, sports (guilty), and coach purses than helping the poor. But that's a conversation for another time. Nonetheless it was hard for me. I hadn't gone to church or was involved in any ways in my relationship with Christ. Life started to feel impossible to me, and I couldn't tell if it was (is?) worse this time around than it was during the summer of 2013.

I wrote a few blogs ago about how growing up I used to get scared of the thought of Heaven. My misunderstanding of Heaven as a place where we all just turn into mindless worshiping drones, not unlike the "Imhotep" chants from The Mummy. And it was ETERNAL. That's a long time! But then I learned about what Heaven will really be like, and we haven't even been able to scratch the surface of what Heaven will truly be like. Now I long for it. But maybe I long for it too eagerly at times. The pain we all go through can seem like so much, and I feel weaker than many. The last couple of years I've lost my focus. I didn't quite realize it, but in 2011 I was in a very good place. Maybe everything wasn't going exactly the way I wanted it to, but I trusted in God that He would be guiding me, no matter where it may be. Somewhere I lost focus. I lost all trust in everything and everyone around me. And I felt like I couldn't say anything about it to anyone. I still feel that way a lot. I feel let down by a lot of people and to be honest, by God also. Trust can be hard.

For a while now, I've wanted to just...go to Heaven already. Let me leave the misery here behind and be in the perfect sanctuary. Where I can hear the leaves rustling and the intricacies of music, where I can live as God truly intended for us to live, by a beautiful beach or canoeing down a river, worshipping God all the time in everything we do, maybe I'll even be able to grow a full, thick, manly beard. Just close your eyes and think of your idea of a perfect day, Heaven won't be far off from it. In fact, it will be better than anything you could imagine.  I cannot wait for that.

But alas, we all must wait for our time. But now I'm realizing that maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it's so much more than that. I long for a time that there will be no weeping, no darkness, no shame, no misery. Don't we all? I am called to a purpose here, I am called to fish for disciples. I am called to show people Christ. To help and love my neighbors. That's something I haven't done very well the last couple of years. I've been longing so much for Heaven that I lost focus on what my mission should be here. I've been so focused on being in Heaven that I've forgotten about striving to bring others to Christ so that they may also be in Heaven, so they can also feel the love of Christ. This changes now.

It's time for me to grow stronger in perseverance, in willpower, in strength, in Jesus, my beautiful savior who died to save me from death. Someday I will never weep in sorrow again, never feel pain again, never feel or fear darkness again, but until then I need to show that I will not let it beat me until my time. I will not let satan have a hold on me. I will have my bad days, but in those days I will lean on Jesus. Until my time, I will do my best to bring people to Christ and show His love, no matter how much I might fail at it. In Jesus I will persevere.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

You Hold Me Now

"On the day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
and forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping
No hurt or pain
No suffering
You hold me now, You hold me now
No darkness
No sick or lame
No hiding
You hold me now, You hold me now

In this life I would stand
through my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There's a hope that never fades

Where Your name is lifted high
and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name"

Who I am hates who I've been...and still does sometimes

If there's anything I've struggled with, like millions of others in America, it's that I don't like myself sometimes. At all. Most people have something, or several things, about themselves they don't like. It could be weight, intelligence, looks, disability, and for myself I've always had a problem with my hearing problem and that's affected me a lot. It's been tough for me being a muggle, not hearing...but not totally deaf either. That definitely hit my self esteem to the point where I couldn't even accept it until last year. It's sad that there are so many people, even the best looking, struggling with this sort of problem.
I was reading 1st John and I spent a good 2 hours on chapters 3 and 4. So many thoughts and questions came to my head, easily one of the best experiences I've had in reading my bible. In that section he spends a lot of time talking about love, and how important it is to show love and be love. It's so important that he says "anyone who does not love remains in death". That's pretty powerful right there. And in Matthew, Jesus describes love and says "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and all your mind...and the second is...'Love your neighbor as yourself".
Catch that last part? "Love your neighbor as yourself". There's two things I get from the two chapters in 1st John and this verse. The first thing was how to love, and everyone knows the famous 1st Corinthians 13 passage that describes what love is, and it's more than just saying I love everyone. It's living it! John talks about if you see your brother in need but have no pity and you don't do anything to help how can there be any love in you. There's so many ways to love and I firmly believe love is more than a feeling, if it even is at all; it's a verb. It's showing love to everyone who comes your way in life, there's no room for hate in love. If God loves everyone despite how broken and evil we are, what's our excuse for not loving anyone? I just don't know how else I can put it other than that we all, Christian or not, need to show kindness, compassion, and love to everyone.
The second part which really made me think last night for some reason was can I show love and be love if I have a hard time doing it for myself and really loving myself as well? Now I don't exactly hate myself anymore, but sometimes, sometimes too much depending on how life is going, I just don't like myself. Every think maybe that's how it should be? You could say "at least it means I'm humble and not prideful". But is it? I'm definitely not talking ego "I'm so freakin amazing and nice and I'm this super awesome good person", more of a "I'm a creation and tool of God that He's using to do good". We all get that pride at one point or another, it's something everyone feels, it's just our human nature.
Maybe not loving ourselves is a problem just as bad as not loving others. We should, in my opinion, strive to put others in front of ourselves. But can you love others and not yourself? Think about it...you...are a creation of our amazing God. He made you and put you together with his hands and even knew you before the world even existed! Scripture clearly states that. How could we not appreciate and love what God has made and is doing with us? We SHOULD love ourselves! I think people get the misconception that loving ourselves has to mean an ego kind of love when I really don't think it means that whatsoever. We're supposed to love others as ourselves, Jesus seems to make that clear, accept yourself for who you are.
I don't think most people would admit it when they don't like themselves, but it's definitely no secret that more than enough people struggle with self esteem and self worth feelings. It's something I will probably struggle with still, though that feeling goes away more and more over time. But I realize I'm a personal creation of God who has created stars and planets, and so is every person who's lived. I think that's pretty awesome. Christian or not, we should all strive to love each other and accept ourselves for who we are. This will probably be the corniest thing I will ever say...but to quote bruno mars "you're beautiful just the way you are". Haha, but it's true. Don't hold yourself back from being the potential of what you can be!