Finally

I grew up in church. I've had the "laws" pounded into my head for my whole life. I've read since I was a little kid all the ways to disappoint God and it was basically everything I do or did. I got pounded into my head this image of God the judge, and He was always a judge, never a father. Sure I have heard about it, but just like I don't see judge Mathis with his kids or family I didn't see Him as anything else but a judge waiting to hammer down that gavel how much I have disappointed Him. I've had a hard time realizing that God on His throne is there as a judge, but also a father waiting for us to run up and sit on His lap and tell Him your problems and what's going on in our lives.
Everyone seems to have that big struggle in their faith, this is mine. I've made a lot of progress in the last few months. Even though I accepted Jesus my senior year, the concept that He loves me is still almost, but not quite, foreign. I know He does, and He does very much. But I'm still scared of never ever making Him happy or proud of me. Does anyone else feel like that?
But like I said, recently I've made progress. Before if I said a swear word, I felt like I ruined it and He's totally embarrassed of me and doesn't wanna know me. If I had some other struggles I would be so ashamed I would shut Him out and sink into a dark hole and it's hard getting out without a rope. Wouldn't read the bible, wouldn't pray, nothing, just listen to some depressing music. Honestly I don't even know how I come running back to Him but I always do.
Now for once I'm not so ashamed of myself when I make little mistakes. He knows, I'm a human, it's our fleshy nature. I hear again and again and again "He just wants a relationship" but It's finally getting better. Just like any other relationship it isn't going to be tight as homeboys right away, it progresses like any other relationship. And this relationship is getting tight as homeboys right now. Sure I make mistakes, I swear once in a while depending on if I'm tired, frustrated whatever, but I don't feel so horrible about it. He loves me, I'm sure He doesn't want me to say it too often, but it's not such a big deal. When I make certain mistakes I won't shut myself out anymore. Sure I'll probably hit my rough patches, I'm in one right now sort of, but instead of shutting Him out, like a father I'm going to seek advice and listen to Him instead of trying to do it on my own.
My mom and I have always had a tight relationship, and by tight I mean we say whatever is on our minds holding nothing back, I've gone on a rant where almost every word was the magic word and she listened. That's how I think God is, He isn't going to listen to what you say and say "whoops you said damn in a prayer, I'm ignoring you now", rather i think He will listen to your frustration and help you out whether it's in the way you want it or not. Maybe this isn't such a struggle for most people, but it is for me. And it's not even just the swearing however.
I can finally say, with all honesty, that I can say ANYTHING to God, if I can tell my own parents and friends what's up, then I should be able to tell Him since he loves me more than anyone else does! Lately when I pray I hold nothing back, like David I praise Him, i vent to Him, i let Him know my frustrations whether they be with Him or anyone else. Isn't that what you think of when you think of relationships? Heck any psychologists will tell you fighting can be healthy, maybe that's only in the case of man/woman relationships but I doubt it, the only difference is...He IS always right whether we like it or not haha.
The whole point of this super long blog I guess is Don't hold back in your relationship with God, sure He's a judge, but He's your father too that loves ya. Talk to Him like one, let Him know how you feel, He isn't dying to know, He did die to know.

bah

A lot of times, I wish I was a great writer or someone who could inspire people through writing. I know I won't, but it's good to say what's on your mind right? What do I write about though? It's easy, so easy to write something angry and negative or just angry, but I want to be positive. Maybe I'll get better at this

HBO THIS!

So what is right now probably my favorite book in the bible is 1st and 2nd Samuel (yes I count them as one) because it is so easy to relate to in different ways because the Saul and David, like us, are human. And of course, the best part, it is so EPIC!!!!!! Seriously, it's like a full out action movie, it's like a Bruce Willis movie on crack. Guns don't compare to men fighting face to face, it never will, I mean have you seen 300 or Lord of the Rings yet?! This has a story already set, and it actually happened.
Now I'm a visual guy, I like to see things which is why I got the action bible which is illustrated by a former comic book author who worked with Marvel, it's hard to imagine anything with the likes of anyone in history unless I see it. Also why I sometimes struggle with God, I'd love to physically see Him, but that's a conversation for another time if you'd like. But I'd LOVE to see this happen on the telly. I would pay to see this, and there's only one other show I'd be willing to pay on HBO or showtime to see, and that's Dexter.
But seriously, have you seen the works of arts they've came out with on those channels? And don't tell me that when you started watching band of brothers you didn't get hooked. I even enjoy mini-series more than movies now. Lonesome Dove confirmed it for me. I think it'd make a great series, maybe one season be Samuel anointing Saul and his rule over Israel and the rise of David as a warrior with the stories of him fighting Goliath, lions, thousands of Philistines. And then Saul's chase after David. Then the second season be David's reign as king and bring in some of psalms stories, his fights with Absalom and other sons. And then the rise of Solomon for the third and final season, including the 2 women fighting over the baby to show his wisdom God granted him, his building of the famous temple for the ark, and then the fall of the nation because of his blindness and wealth and thus the end of Israel being ruled under one king...for now.
Seriously how awesome would that be. And HBO tends to be more in depth and accurate since it doesn't have a 2 hour time limit, it's a whole series that I think even non-Christians would enjoy. It'd be awesome.


BTW I know the end of David and all of Solomon was in Kings, but it'd make sense to have them included right?

For everything there is a season, and
a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up
what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to
build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a
time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to
refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast
away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time
to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace



this will forever be one of my favorite parts of the bible, it talks so much about LIFE in this short section. There's a time for me to rejoice, and a time for me to be sad, a time to spend time by myself, and a time to be with people to embrace each other around. Ecclesiastes will forever be one of my favorite books.

It's been a while...

I always have these ideas for blogs to write, but I usually don't get around to it cause I should study instead or I'm just too tired to write for 20 minutes or so. Truth is, lately, I haven't been so great. Winter tends to get me extra cynical and callous though I usually am able to hide it but I seem to always, starting in October, sink into a depression. As a result I usually find something to gripe about. This year, I've really been annoyed with the lack of accountability in the church and among fellowships. Like I said I haven't been doing so hot lately, I've been wrestling with my mind for a few months now. And while I don't announce it to the world, or in our country's case Facebook, I don't exactly hide it either, and despite people knowing I'm struggling, they seem to avoid trying to help the problem except for a "hope you feel better" and a pat on the back. Not to say it NEVER happens, I know it does, maybe more than I realize. But i definitely see a lot of people, many in the church, being neglected cause we just want to focus on our own life and our own struggles it seems.
Now, I'm not saying I want a therapy session or anything, but simply I want to see fellowship pushing each other to be better. It seems a lot of people now in the church have fallen silent. I will say this, there have been a couple people actually interested in what's going on and really do want to help somehow. but most just don't care, and most of those people (keep in mind I'm talking about people involved in church) even talk about church church church fellowship fellowship love love love hope faith! But when they see a fellow christian in need of accountability or even just a good talk at a coffeeshop, a couple beers, or even just a short walk in the neighborhood they say absolutely nothing and hide.
I hate how this sounds like I'm asking for pity cause it's the exact opposite. I don't make myself out to be perfect whatsoever. I have plenty of downfalls and if you want to know them I will tell you in a conversation. The bad things about downfalls is that they happen often sometimes. Sometimes you can go months without having much problems with your personal demons, but then for a stretch of time you can't get it out of your head. That's the time when your fellow Christian should recognize that and say "HEY! SNAP OUT OF IT!" and even get to the point where you say "You're going to bible study tonight" and when the other person says they don't want to you say "I don't give a crap". Like I said, I make no secret when I'm having a rough time. Some people might but typically ones close to them will be able to tell. And this concept shouldn't just apply to Christians. It should apply to EVERYONE. You see a friend struggling you just let them be? why? Do something.
I think one of the big problems is this great country we live in. While America in my opinion is one of the best countries, if not the best, to live in today, we have very much wussified. All that feel good crap it's making us soft!! People have been hardasses (excuse the language) for thousands of years and it has worked just great! So why are we so soft now?? It's sure not going to make things better! And I don't know about you but spanking and slaps on the hand is fine with me! As a pastor once said God put 2 inches of fat on the bottom for a reason. Now I'm getting off topic.
Now getting back to how this applies to the church and fellowship. We need to speak up when we see something obviously wrong! Like I mentioned earlier...a talk at a coffeshop, bar, on a walk around somewhere like the boardwalk or beach. SOMETHING. And to dive into something which is harder but needs to be done, when you see a close friend struggling again with certain problems, whether it be drugs, drinking, or porn whatever. Even when they admit to it, don't be like "oh...that sucks...i hope you do better" because that is NOT what they need. They need someone to say "KNOCK IT OFF". Enough with the feel good trying not to say something the other person doesn't want to hear. I do have some friends who do this...these are my favorite people to talk to, unfortunately those are few and most of them aren't around much anymore. Tell them straight up, "call me if you're gonna struggle with some stuff and I'll help in any way I can", or even a bit of "if you do this I'll kick your butt one way or another", heck even like one of those swear jar for whatever problem it is. We are all in life going to have some problems, fail again and again. But the point is to try not to fail and have our fellowship or friends keep us from doing it as much as possible and focus more on the positive and bettering ourselves.
Now of course there is a right way to do this. You don't say it in front of everyone else or on Facebook, twitter for the world to see. Even the bible says, you should do it privately first and foremost. Grab them to the side and talk to them, listen to the person. Give the best advice you can and tell them to call you, text you, whatever anytime they want! Me personally my phone is always open for talking. I love to do whatever i can to help my friends. especially those close to me, in the same way I'm not afraid to tell someone if they're wrong or if I think what they're doing is not right. And I say it nicely as possible. And again, sometimes all it takes is a talk, seems like those help the most. Sadly I have lost a friend or two because they thought they were right and had to big an ego to just have different opinions. But we can't let that hold us back in talking to our friends whether close or just casual friends and saying what's what. I've taken harsh criticism from some friends and I still remain close with them. And i especially am fond of them because I know they will let me know when I'm wrong. I know everyone could use a friend or two like that. So please...don't have an ego big enough you won't talk to someone anymore. The best friends are the ones who tell you things you don't wanna hear but need to. Those are the ones to keep around. Cause "as iron sharpens iron man shall sharpen another". Being soft and letting your friends think they're never wrong isn't going to fix the world.
Basically the point of this whole pointless ramble is if you see someone in need, even if it's just a person you know but aren't close with, talk to them! help them! don't hold back! don't hold back what you feel like you should say! ya never know...and LOVE is one of the greatest things we can show each other and love isn't always hugs and kisses.

Call me crazy?

It's been a few months since I've written. It's for several reasons. I've felt kind of shut off from the world lately and I was in my own dark hole. But now I'm definitely feeling more pepped up...the packers is part of it :P
But I've had an idea I've floated around in the last few years but kept on the shelf because I really don't know how the heck I could do it. It's definitely a "risky" and "controversial" idea that would probably strike many people as unpopular and ignorant or whatever.
Trying to find a job back when I was 16, and even now for people my age, was freakin impossible! And I thought about how much harder it must be for ex-felons to find a job, much less a decent job since many have families to care for. And I always told myself if I was somehow a manager of somewhere I'd give the felons a fair chance in getting their life straight. Who knows if they had an epiphany or life changing decision to go straight and do good and live a solid life! Sadly this does not happen. My pops said back in his old job working for the LC health department that his bosses would look through resume and without even reading what the felony was or how long ago it was they'd throw out the application. How unfair is that?!?!
How much does the Bible constantly tell us, we are NOT good, we are NOT better than each other, we are ALL sinners one way or another and in that we are equal. We all make mistakes, sure some are worse, but nonetheless we are all in the same boat. Should I look down on someone who got caught stealing or robbed a gas station in his rebellious years even though I've made some bad mistakes? Maybe not as bad as robbing a store or whatever, but I've made some mistakes that made God sad all the same. If someone keeps on making those decisions that ruin their lives and those around them, then they should deal with the consequences but if someone who is 24 made a mistake got charged, he shouldn't be wiped away of a honest future to provide for his daughter or son when he's still so young and has his whole life ahead of him.
I have absolutely NO idea how I could do this, but I think it'd be so cool if a business got started that hired felons and kept them straight, kind of like work for me doing construction and stay outta trouble. A real normal job, an honest living, that only hires felons, sounds CRAZY right?
I don't know...I think it could make such a huge difference. Imagine if they come to Christ because of that job!
I mean, there are so many people, especially in the inner cities, who feel like they HAVE to keep doing those bad things just to get by, cause no one will give them a chance. We see it in the movies all the time right? A bad school, a good teacher comes in, talks to the kids, kids say who cares about us? Why would anyone help us? This is real life, that actually happens, and it's more than that one lucky school that got their story published.
I really feel like they should at least get a fair shakedown, a fair job interview like everyone else. Think about it again, if they're applying for that job, doesn't that already say something about how they might wanna do right in this life?
And like I said, I don't know how I could do this, like a foundation thing, start a business with a friend, talk to a state or local Representative about working with felons and businesses and doing some sort of program, who knows! But should I dare to dream? Should I try to help out people who's made mistakes like we all have? Or maybe you reading this will be in this position of where you have a chance to hire someone, and you'll now think, maybe you should give them a fair chance after all instead of throwing that application away.
I love helping people, I LOVE raising awareness for my neighbor's grandkids who have sanfilippo and helping them out as much as I possibly can. I love sponsoring a kid in Ethiopia and helping out his family. And I hope to do mission work opportunities in my lifetime. But I think this is one more thing that deserves at least a little bit of attention because I think it could truly make the world a little bit of a better place to life, to give people the opportunities to turn their life around or on the straight track. I feel like this is a risky thing to be saying in so many ways...but this is what I think...

Casino

So i got a flat tire yesterday on the way to school when i had a HUGE speech to do and that was the deadline to do it. I was already stressed enough as it was. Of course what happens? I get a flat when i was about halfway to school. Perfect. So I pull in the gas station to replace the tire and get going to school. And then of course the bolts are stripped and only one of the bolts were ok so i couldn't get the nuts on except for one which is NOT ok to drive on. So i call my dad to pick up some new nuts cause i thought it was maybe the nuts that were stripped. It was only when he got there to help me out that we found out it was the bolts. so after forcing on the nuts which is not really good to do but it was either that or have it towed. So i missed my speech but thankfully my teacher called me during class and after being all funny and making the class laugh about it, believe me when i wasn't on the phone i was letting out strings of words that would even make eminem flinch. Yeah not so happy.
Afterwards i was kinda disappointed in my lack of poise. After a while i calmed down sure but i wished i had some poise and stayed chill about the whole situation. Not get so frustrated i sounded like i was in the movie Casino (for those of you who don't know they have 400 odd F words haha). One of the big things i've been working on in the last year or so was my tendency to get frustrated pretty easily. Yeah i definitely failed here.
I guess you learn from it right? I mean it all worked out, i get a chance to still give my speech and definitely pass and my car is alright save for some major shock problems. I shoulda stayed calm. Life goes on