Talking about the bible and verses, giving support, doing "good things", going to church, I've been pretty good at in the last few years, prayer? Not so much. When I first became a Christian I prayed every night before going to bed. Now? not so much. When I do pray, it's usually in a random place like when I'm at work or driving to somewhere. And even when I do that...it's not as often as it should be. I always feel horrible for this, like, I'm a bad Christian for not praying nearly as much as I should be. Being completely honest...I probably pray....three or four times a week, and half of that is in church. That's not close to talking to God enough for me.
I've always had a hard time with praying because I can't physically hear Him and listen to advice He can give me right here and now. And if the bible is His word, why bother praying if He says it right there and isn't going to say anything that I'll literally be able to hear. Like I said I don't really get that "feeling" that many people feel all the time, sometimes, but not always. For a dumb reason this discourages me from praying more and more. Just how much would I love to be able to hear him say to me "it's going to be ok, I'm right here". I get tired of reading it sometimes, and I want to hear it.
I was talking to my mom about how singing could possibly be like praying recently, and I told her when I pray I don't feel that "Holy Spirit flowing through me" feeling and that's part of what hinders me from praying. But when I do "feel" it is when I'm singing worship and praising God. And it brought up a question for me, is it possible to pray in singing and praising God? I think it might be a form of praying, when I sing to God that He is mighty to save and that I'm broken and in need of His grace, is that a way of me praying to Him to save me cause I'm filthy and broken?
Maybe it is. But I still feel like it's not enough to just do that, I need to talk to Him, tell him whatever hell I may be going through and how I can't do it without Him taking care of me. And at the same time tell Him how happy I am he's blessed me with the many things I have been blessed with. Tell him how I'm so grateful to have a savior like Jesus to save me. More importantly, say in my own words just how much I love that He is in my life and isn't going to leave my side.
These next five months for me are going to be super super tough. I'm taking a paramedic class which is pretty pricey and my family do not have much money. I'm not going to be able to go out to eat, go to the pub with friends, buy myself any music, go to the coffeeshop, basically anything that costs money for the next 4 or 5 months. It's going to be tough since I'm a very social person and I like getting out and doing stuff.
What I've really learned in the last week is just how much I'm really going to have to rely on God to get me through this and trust that He has a plan and will take care of me one way or another. But most importantly, that I'm really going to have to pray and talk to Him more. Is it going to be the hardest time that anyone has ever had or that I will probably ever have? Probably not, but this ranks up there. But I'm trusting in God and that I feel that He will provide and that the fellowship I've grown into will help me stay strong and sane. I'm excited at the same time to see how He uses me in these next few months of giving me more responsibility with this paramedics class and a fellowship that I'm now more involved in.
Am I the "best" at praying? I highly doubt it. But it's something I'm really going to be relying on (and already relying on right now) for these next few months and for the rest of my life. It's going to be a very tough few months, but I'm also very excited to see what happens and how things will develop. All I ask for now is prayer support. And anything anyone wants me to pray for them, I will gladly do it, I'd love to spend more time talking to God about everything. So while I do ask for prayer, I also ask that you also give me prayer requests and anything I could help out with.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
The Answer to Life's Greatest Question Has Always Been...
Everyone has their demons and some sort of thing that troubles them in life. I have a lot of history and it gets to me, especially in infrequency. I hate admitting this, it makes me feel like I'm nuts or not a man, but sometimes I'll randomly get super down and out and not have a care because I feel like giving up. Maybe lately it's more so because more and more of my friends have left town for school and I haven't gotten out much.
My biggest fault I think is that I think too much sometimes, when that happens I tend to shut myself off, hang out with a select group of people (which is like 3 or 4 people and I haven't even seen them in a long time) and worse of all I kind of shut myself off from being active in my faith. You wouldn't know it unless I told you though cause I can put on a pretty good show sometimes when I'm in actuality not doing great.
I think it's because I haven't really gotten it through to myself to be like Matthew 11:28 and put my burdens off my shoulders and onto Jesus's shoulders. If you think about it, he died with all of our troubles, our filth, our sins on HIM. I'm still trying to figure out how the heck to put all the pain I feel, all the worries I have onto him and just live life. If there's one thing I've always known, it's that there's a whole difference to knowing it and living it. I know that I just need to put all my burdens on Jesus and he will give me rest, but I'm having a hard time living it.
I doubt I'll ever truly be worry free and I know for a fact I'll never be perfect or always be living life exactly the way I should be. And I think that is what scares me the most, is the fear that I'll find a way to screw up everything and not live up to the potential we all have inside of us. But as long as I am breathing I will never lose my faith as shaken as it may get at times, I have faith that my God is watching me and will not let me lose hope in everything. When it comes down to it, God is great, and if HE is for us then who could stand against us. Or try saying it like this, if God is for ME then who could stand against me?
My biggest fault I think is that I think too much sometimes, when that happens I tend to shut myself off, hang out with a select group of people (which is like 3 or 4 people and I haven't even seen them in a long time) and worse of all I kind of shut myself off from being active in my faith. You wouldn't know it unless I told you though cause I can put on a pretty good show sometimes when I'm in actuality not doing great.
I think it's because I haven't really gotten it through to myself to be like Matthew 11:28 and put my burdens off my shoulders and onto Jesus's shoulders. If you think about it, he died with all of our troubles, our filth, our sins on HIM. I'm still trying to figure out how the heck to put all the pain I feel, all the worries I have onto him and just live life. If there's one thing I've always known, it's that there's a whole difference to knowing it and living it. I know that I just need to put all my burdens on Jesus and he will give me rest, but I'm having a hard time living it.
I doubt I'll ever truly be worry free and I know for a fact I'll never be perfect or always be living life exactly the way I should be. And I think that is what scares me the most, is the fear that I'll find a way to screw up everything and not live up to the potential we all have inside of us. But as long as I am breathing I will never lose my faith as shaken as it may get at times, I have faith that my God is watching me and will not let me lose hope in everything. When it comes down to it, God is great, and if HE is for us then who could stand against us. Or try saying it like this, if God is for ME then who could stand against me?
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